2014 Mascot Madness

Introduction:  The general premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots.  Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  Think of the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world. 

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.

1.       I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.

2.       If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.

3.       If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.

4.       Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks.  Horns, however are useful.

5.       Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.

6.       Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned.  Also - I apologize for the lack of imagery.  I am still figuring out how to ethically violate copy write laws.

SOUTH

ROUND 1

(1) Florida Gators v (16) Play In:  (1) seeds always win in the first round, and Gators are pretty ferocious.  Don't know who they will snack on, but it will be delicious.

(8) Colorado Buffaloes v (9) Pittsburg Panthers: This is our first instance of a deviation from the rules (they are really more like general guidelines) as Buffaloes are not predatory, per se, but I have a very difficult time picturing a panther taking one down - this round goes to horns and hooves.

(5) VCU Rams v (12) SF Austin Lumberjacks:  I have to assume that the lumberjack in this scenario carries an axe.  Probably double sided as well.  That's two blades of mutton chopping fury.  Lumberjacks win.

(4) UCLA Bruins v (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes:  A bruin is a bear, for those who are unclear.  A golden hurricane is NOT a super storm of golden showers.  Invoking rule 6 - bears have survived hurricanes before, I am certain that these Bruins survive this one.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (11) Dayton Flyers:  A buckeye is a tree. A Dayton Flyer is apparently an homage to the Wright Brothers, who are from Dayton.  In a battle of a flying plane vs a tree, in all likelihood, both die, but the tree has the best chance or growing back - so the Buckeyes win.

(3) Syracuse Orange v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  Sidebar: I was unaware until now that Syracuse changed their mascot from Orangemen to just Orange.  Apparently that happened in, like, 2004 or something.  So now instead of a battle between an Oompa Loompa and pissed off horse, I get to invoke rule number 2.  Colors lose.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (10) Stanford Cardinal:  Rinse and repeat.

(2) Kansas Jayhawks v (15) Eastern Kentucky Colonels: Here's the problem.  The aforementioned Colonel on the Eastern Kentucky logo decidedly resembles Colonel Sanders of KFC fame (coincidence that both are Kentucky?  I think not.)  Anyhow, a Jayhawk as far as I can determine is part Jay (campsite robber) and part Hawk (wicked cool bird of prey) and zero parts chicken.  So this battle doesn't go well as Colonel Sanders is not trained to batter and deep fry thieving birds of prey.  Winner: Kansas.

ROUND 2

(1) Florida Gators v (8) Colorado Buffaloes: Buffalo are tough to kill 1:1, but so are gators.  If the home team is the higher seed, then this is fight to the death takes on a swampy stage and the gator will win, if not by outright victory, then by a slow spreading infection.

(12) SF Austin Lumberjacks v (4) UCLA Bruins:  A lumberjack can kill a sheep easy enough, but taking on a bear with an axe is suicide.  Literally.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  A tree vs a horse.  Not sure how the tree kills the horse, but not sure how the horse could kill the tree.  I reckon the horse kicks the hell out of the tree up to the point of exhaustion and its heart explodes.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (2) Kansas Jayhawks:  A wolf against a thieving bird of prey?  Wolf beats bird.  Easy.

ROUND 3

(1) Florida Gators v (4) UCLA Bruins:  Gator vs Bear in an epic battle - I guess I will ride the home turf advantage: Gator.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (7) New Mexico Lobos:  If you've seen what my Labrador can do to the door trim in my house, you'd have no doubt about what a wolf can do to a tree.

WEST

ROUND 1

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (16) Weber State Wildcats:  Ha! If this wasn't a 1 v 16 this would be an epic battle for the ages!  However, invoke rule 1 and Arizona wins.

(8) Gonzaga Bulldogs v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys sling a six-shooter in my mind, that's 6 shots with which to grease a fat, lazy and drooling dog.  Easy pickin's.

(5) Oklahoma Sooners v (12) North Dakota St. Bison: Picture this, if you will:  Joe Sooner during his mad dash to make a land grab, likely leaving his rifle and wagon behind, crests a small hill and comes face to face with a bison, angry that his native land is being freely taken, tax free, without recompense for the former inhabitants - his fellow bison and the Native Americans.  Stomp, stomp, gore, snort, gore, and stomp some more.  Bison wins.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (13) New Mexico St Aggies:  Aztecs are known for violence and human sacrifice.  Aggies violate rule 3.  San Diego St. wins.  I'd give them two wins if I could.

(6) Baylor Bears v (11) Nebraska Cornhuskers: I will admit that I'm not sure what kind of tools that could act as weapons a cornhusker would have on their person, but I'm guessing it's not a high powered rifle or a Desert Eagle point five-oh.  Much like humans like corn fed beef, bears that make healthy choices, like corn fed huskers.

(3) Creighton Bluejays v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Non predatory animal against an angry redneck that likely hunts alligators for a living.  No contest here, the Cajuns win.

(7) Oregon Ducks v (10) BYU Cougars:  Cats eat birds.  That’s a known fact.  Cougars are very large, very athletic cats, with very sharp claws and very long teeth.  Ducks are tasty.  That is also a known fact.  Nothing gets between this cougar and his duck confit.

(2) Wisconsin Badgers v (15) American Eagles:  Eagles are huge and tough and glorious birds that are illegal to hunt.  But honey badger don't care.  Wisconsin wins.

ROUND 2

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys already used up a couple of bullets shooting that damn bulldog in round 1.  The wildcat is very elusive and the cowboy misses with the remaining 4 bullets leaving him unarmed and delicious.

(12) North Dakota St. Bison v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Bison are tough, but Aztecs are brutal warriors with axes and poison arrows and shit.  Aztecs get to eat buffalo steak, even if they don't have much use for the hide.

(6) Baylor Bears v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Hunting alligators with .22's is one thing.  Hunting bears is another altogether.  Baylor advances.

(10) BYU Cougars v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Disagree if you want, but Badgers are nearly indestructible.  Cougars are tough ass cats, but not the biggest or the toughest and the badger claws his way to victory.

ROUND 3

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Aztecs grew up worshiping Jaguars, or something.  But a wildcat is not a Jaguar and the Aztecs have little problems with disposing of the lesser of the attack cats.

(6) Baylor Bears v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Tough call - the badger wins by continually stealing the bear's food and starving him to death. 

EAST

ROUND 1

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (16) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers:  This may be the most fun match up to say aloud.  Just needs rhythm.  Before I invoke rules 1 and 4 - I just want to explain that a chanticleer is essentially a proud rooster.  A cavalier has a rifle.  This would have been easy without the rules.  Virginia advances.

(8) Memphis Tigers v (9) George Washington Colonials:  I can picture a single colonial encountering a tiger and firing his single shot musket high and wide (they are notoriously inaccurate) and proceeds to initiate the 15 minute reload cycle, the tiger eats him slowly, starting at his feed, and as he continues to reload his musket, the tiger continues to progress up his calves, knees, thighs, etc. until just before his musket is reloaded, he bleeds out. 

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (12) Harvard Crimson:  Consider rule #2 invoked, but for future reference a part bear part cat creature is the thing of nightmares.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (13) Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens:  Ah - this is the opponent that the Colonels really wanted.  Too bad the Spartans will eat these hens raw (deep frying technology was in it's infancy during King Leonidas' reign.  Spartans skewer and devour the blue hens, fightin' or no.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (11) Providence Friars:  A Tarheel is a person from North Carolina (very original) and a Friar takes vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.  I think that is likely to be a victory for the North Carolinian.

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (14) North Carolina Central Eagles:  A bird is about the worst thing to be in a tornado.  Iowa St. wins.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (10) St. Josephs Hawks:  This could be a messy battle - but, I think, in the end, if a hawk is willing to stay talon-to-toe with a husky, that the canine with its superior size and fearlessness would emerge, torn and bloodied, but victorious.

(2) Villanova Wildcats v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  Here's the one that busts the bracket.  I can't in good faith argue that the smaller, weaker cat would kill the bigger stronger one, so onward with the Panthers!

ROUND 2

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (8) Memphis Tigers:  Cavaliers have rifles.  Rifles are the weapon of choice against a tiger.

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (4) Michigan St. Spartans:  As terrifying as a bearcat may be, nothing is as terrifying as a battle ready Spartan warrior.  The bearcat cannot defeat the shield and the Spartan emerges victorious.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones:  Tornado vs dude from North Carolina.  Hmm.  Not likely to have a tornado shelter of any kind, so the Cyclone sends the Tarheel flying into oblivion.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  A panther would totally eat a husky.  An then wear the fur when it goes out for drinks later with his panther buddies.

ROUND 3

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (4) Michigan St. Spartans: HA! A rifle is useful, but not against an armored Spartan! This battle rapidly devolved into hand to hand combat, at which the Spartan excels and spears the cavaliers (hey, that rhymes).

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  The panther, not being a burrowing animal, and generally one to hide in trees has no recourse when the winds of Iowa St. come calling.

NORTH

ROUND 1

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (16) Play In:  Rule 1.

(8) Kentucky Wildcats v (9) Kansas St Wildcats:  Wow.  An 8 vs a 9, and a wildcat vs a wildcat... I am flipping a coin.  A safety buck to be precise....  It came up 'safety buck.'  That didn't help.  Um, yes, the wildcats win!!! I will go ahead and pick the lower seed, I suppose, with the intent on them losing the next round by default.

(5) St. Louis Billikens v (12) NC State/Xavier:  This division is tough to call!  A billiken is a fat charm doll, which is a ridiculously lame mascot.  But I don't know who it is against.  Either the wolf pack of NC state or Musketeers of Xavier?  Doesn't matter.  I’m taking the field on this.

(4) Louisville Cardinals v (13) Manhattan Jaspers:  I was hoping that a Jasper was a Jasper Daniels and that whiskey would kill the cardinals.  It's not.  It is apparently a guy that died, but kind of invented the 7th inning stretch.  But this isn't baseball, its basketball.  Well, actually, it’s a mascot battle to the death, and since Jasper is already dead, somehow the cardinals win, which I suppose is in alignment with rule #5.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (11) Iowa/Tennessee: Minutemen are military trained and ready at a moment's notice.  That’s a bit better than either a Hawkeye or a 'Volunteer'.  Massachusetts it is.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (14) Mercer Bears:  So there aren't really any rules governing the supernatural.  It is known that on the color scale of devils, Blue is near the top.  Not quite as high as a red devil, but certainly higher than the lesser imps and demons of the yellows and browns.  In this instance a high ranking demon will easily thwart a bear in a battle to the death.

(7) Texas Longhorns v (10) Arizona St. Sun Devils:  Supernatural battle number 2!  How cool is this division!  In order to be clear, the weather related devils are a completely different subspecies of demon than the color scaled devils, but can be equally robust and terrifying.  The Sun Devil happens to land somewhere in the middle of the weather devils, less powerful than wind devils, but more powerful than ice and rain devils (and needless to say, INFINITELY more powerful than dust and dirt devils).  But a longhorn is just an angry cow, easily manipulated by the conniving dealings of a tricky sun devil.

(2) Michigan Wolverines v (15) Wofford Terriers:  I like dogs, so I will close my eyes for this.

ROUND 2

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (8) Kentucky Wildcats: A shocker is a wheat harvester, a human, not the machine, which would have been pretty messy for a wildcat.  However, this wildcat is barely alive having fought near to death against a wildcat almost his equal in round one, so the shocker pretty much just hits it with a shovel or a rake or a scythe or whatever they use.  A scythe would be cool.

(12) NC State/Xavier v (4) Louisville Cardinals:  Still don't know who the opponent is, but the field takes it again over the battle inadequacy of cardinals.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (3) Duke Blue Devils:  High level demon vs revolutionary soldier?  Demon reacts in less than a minute and the minuteman is DOA.

(10) Arizona St. Sun Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  You sneaky sun devil - you can't trick a wolverine, they are too single minded in purpose and viciousness to be waylaid.  The wolverine eats the sun devils previously bartered for souls.

ROUND 3

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (12) NC State/Xavier:  At this point, not knowing what the field is, I have to default to the shockers winning again.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  Turns out that Blue Devils are a little sneaker than Sun Devils and had poisoned the previously consumed Sun Devil.  The sick and weakened wolverine eventually passes away due to exhaustion whilst still snapping his jaws at his hated enemy.

ELITE 8!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (7) New Mexico Lobos - Gator beats wolf, easily, although canine is slightly less tasty than the bear in Rd 3.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - Living in the jungle in no way prepares the Aztec for a battle with a grizzled badger.  The badger eats his intestines only.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - In a battle between rules 5 and 6 - I have to go with the natural disaster.  I don't think the Spartan is aware of a tornado or what the expected response would be.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Duke Blue Devils - Fey trickery!  You'd think the blue devil would have something up his sleeve, but the close proximity of Wichita to the Bible Belt trumps his evil powers with the Lords wrath!!!

FINAL 4!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - The badger is one tough sum'bitch, but I just don't see it's smallish teeth and claws getting purchase in the gators tough hide.  And I can't vouch for his ability to swim.  The Gator drowns, then swallows the badger whole.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - If anybody is prepared to withstand a tornado, it the folks in Kansas.  Somewhere over the rainbow is a showdown with an Alligator.

And the WINNER IS: 

Florida.  A bit anticlimactic, I'll agree.  But how would wheat harvesting in Kansas possibly prepare you to kill an alligator in battle?