The first annual Mascot Madness where the winners in each match are determined by a hypothetical battle to the death - this was originally written in 2013, but not posted until March 2014. Consider it an archive of greatness.
Rd 1 MIDWEST:
Louisville Cardinals (1) v N.C. A&T Aggies (16) - I get to implement universal rule #1 - I don't know what the hell and Aggie is. I know a lot of schools use it as a mascot, but then pick some random, seemingly unassociated mascot to represent them. In this case, it is a bulldog of some sort. But since Aggie is the mascot, and that doesn't seem to exist in my head - all schools with Aggies lose immediately, unless they encounter an even more worthless un-specified opponent.
Colorado St. Rams (8) v Missouri Tigers (9) - There isn't much that is more knee-buckling than the site of two ram's colliding skull to skull at full speed in a dance of dominance. However this isn't a battle between two rams. This is a ram against a freaking tiger. The tiger would just get out of the way, and then eat the ram. Mutton tastes good.
Oklahoma St Cowboys (5) v Oregon Ducks (12) - On the surface this seems like a no-brainer man vs fowl, man always wins, right? But further research will indicate that the official mascot of Oregon is the Fighting Ducks, not just the wimpy sit, quack and get shot at ducks. Also, cowboys usually carry pistols, which are inaccurate at ranges over 10-20 feet. I'm not sure what kind of training a Fighting Duck receives, but I assume it is extensive - so on with the Ducks!
Saint Louis Billikins (4) v New Mexico St. Aggies (13) - FREAK! I didn't expect to invoke universal rule #1 again so quickly! Wait - What the freak is a Billikin? It is a charm doll? How the hell do you pick that as your mascot? And this revision of an Aggie is somehow a cowboy with a pistol (odd that that came up again as well) - well no matter how poor the shooter, I have to go with the Aggies this time - they'd better hope they don't come across any fighting ducks, though.
Memphis Tigers (6) v St Mary's Gaels - Point of note - a Gael is one who speaks Gaelic, or is considered an Irish person (we don't discriminate on sex here). In a fair fight, the tiger will maul the Gael. But the Irish don't fight fair, do they? They fight drunk. So the tiger still wins. And has Guinness burps.
Michigan St Spartans (3) v Valparaiso Crusaders (14) - There is no way in the history of earth that any crusaders, who failed miserably to take and hold the middle east will ever, EVER upset the most feared warriors of ancient Greece that defended against thousands with only 300 (Note - not historically accurate, they had a little help, and a Navy, but that wasn't in the movie, and won't make a difference anyhow). King Leonidas wins easy.
Creighton Blue Jays (7) v Cincinnati Bearcats (10) - If a Bearcat is, indeed, a combination of a bear and a cat, not only is it fearsome but it has a taste for birds. Creighton doesn't stand a chance. I would also be worried about any other mascot.
Duke Blue Devils (2) v Albany Great Danes (15) - I'm not entirely sure where Blue Devil ranks in the hierarchy of the colored devils (I am pretty sure that Red is pretty bad-arse), but I am certain that Great Danes are just huge lazy, lumbering, poop factories, so I have to go with the Devils on this one.
RD 1 WEST
Gonzaga Bulldogs (1) v Southern Jaguars (16) - I have never seen a 16 seed upset a 1 seed - but according to mascot logic, there is no situation wear a Jaguar doesn't eat a bulldog. Wait - Jaguars are afraid of Hyenas so they climb trees to avoid them? Hyenas are related to Bulldogs? Bulldogs scare Jaguars into trees? You can't fight from a tree. Bulldogs win by default.
Pittsburg Panthers (8) v Wichita St Shockers (9) - Note to the unaware - do not Google 'What is a Shocker' without including the term 'Wichita St.' These Shockers are ones who harvest. Panthers can not only sneak through wheat fields, but they hunt and eat. They don't grow and harvest. Panthers win in a bloody mess.
Wisconsin Badgers (5) v Mississippi Rebels (12) - If anybody has seen the honey-badger youtube video you know that this one ends poorly for Mississippi St. They may crawl out of this mangled and broken, but they cannot win this fight.
Kansas St Wildcats (4) v La Salle Explorers (13) - Wildcats have been attacking and eating explorers for centuries. Also, if anybody has played any world domination computer games, you would know that explorers cannot attack anything. This one is obvious. Go cats.
Arizona Wildcats (6) v Belmont Bruins (11) - For those who don't know, a Bruin is a Bear. And bears are awesome. These bears will snack on wildcat (tastes like chicken, but stringier). This will prevent future conundrum about who wins a wildcat v wildcat battle with K state. Both teams would still fear Cincinnati, though.
New Mexico Lobos (3) v Harvard Crimson (14) - Lobos are wolves. Crimson is a color. Dogs are colorblind, so they don't care. There is no color other than the color 'Liam Neeson' that can stand up to a pack of Lobos.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish (7) v Iowa St Cyclones (10) - And our first natural disaster of the tournament! The most dangerous of the Irish mascots unfortunately draws an extremely tough opponent. Who fights a tornado? How does one even fight a tornado? I don't know, but his also bodes well for Miami. Iowa St. breezes into the next round.
Ohio St. Buckeyes (2) v Iona Gaels (15) - Stands to reason that if the Irish couldn't even grow their potatoes correctly, that they would struggle to harvest chestnut trees. Win one for the Buckeyes.
Rd 1 SOUTH
Kansas Jayhawks (1) v W. Kentucky Hilltoppers (16) - Apparently, hilltoppers are trains. A Jayhawk is a combination of a Jay and a Hawk. Not as dangerous as a regular, non-crossbred Hawk, but none the less, easily able to avoid being hit by a train until the train runs out of steam. Thus Kansas wins the battle of attrition.
North Carolina Tarheels (8) v Villanova Wildcats (9) - A nickname for inhabitants of NC vs our third set of wildcats. This would be a coin toss, but North Carolinians aren't exactly known for their toughness, so I'm sticking with the Wildcats (side note - if they would have chosen 'Thundercats' instead of Wildcats, this would be a massacre, not a coin toss).
VCU Rams (5) v Akron Zips (12) - The logo for Akron appears to be a kangaroo, which would make for a terrific fight - but the Zips originally stemmed from a type of rubber shoe. Lame. Rams probably wouldn't know what to do with a rubber shoe, so they would probably eat it. Or feed it to their goat friends.
Michigan Wolverines (4) v S. Dakota St It Doesn't Matters (13) - If you know anything about wolverines, you know that this will end poorly for SDST. Wolverines are decidedly vicious and known to hunt and kill Caribou, or even brazenly steal meals from cougars and grizzly bears. But what if SDST has an awesome mascot you may be wondering? Well - I did look it up. It's the Jackrabbits. Oh the humanity.
UCLA Bruins (6) v Minnesota Golden Gophers (11) - All I can picture is a giant bear sitting on his haunches picking up and biting the heads off of every gopher that walks by and discarding the carcass over his shoulder for the little bears to feast on.
Florida Gators (3) v Northwestern St Demons (14) -I don't know how to fight a demon. Maybe a Blue Devil does. I am, however, certain that the single minded viciousness of gators does not lend well to demon possession, so the Gators win this... somehow.
San Diego St Aztecs (7) v Oklahoma Sooners (10) - Whilst Aztecs were susceptible to disease, they were also fierce warriors. Fierce warriors will always defeat greedy, overeager land-grabbers.
Georgetown Hoyas (2) v Florida Gulf Coast Eagles - The eagle is the most dangerous of birds with which to battle, however I just don't see and eagle killing a bulldog. Any of the smaller feline mascots, maybe. But the low center of gravity and the massive under-bite give the Hoya a slight, every so slight advantage. Also - as any eagle enthusiast will tell you, the gulf coast eagles are, like, the YUGO of eagle species.
Rd 1. EAST
Indiana Hoosiers (1) v James Madison Dukes (16) - The Hoosiers are all the people in Indiana the Dukes are named after one person. And it isn't the one person you think. If it was, well, pardner, this would have a diff'rnt endin'. As is, the Hoosiers take it down with teamwork.
NC State Wolfpack (8) V Temple Owls (9) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Maybe if it was the NC State Field Mice.
UNLV Runnin' Rebels (5) v California Bears (12) - It's all in the name. The Rebels be running. Away. From Bears. Who are awesome. And run faster than Rebels.
Syracuse Orangemen (4) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - Ursus arctos horribilis. It's all in the name. Orangemen are Irish Protestants, and if you've gotten this far and haven’t seen a pattern with 1) the Irish Mascots or 2) the entire Bear family (including BearCats) then now is a good time to start over. You have failed, please try again.
Butler Bulldogs (5) v Bucknell Bison (11) - The bulldogs have had a good run so far, with Gonzaga and Georgetown pulling out what could be mis-interpreted a skewed battles due to an inherent preference to predict high seed victories. That ends here. Bison are even more awesome than bears. These beasts won't even know that they trampled the bulldogs - this is a bone-crushing mismatch.
Marquette Golden Eagles (3) v Davidson Wildcats (14) - And here we go - as alluded to earlier, smallish cats vs eagles favors the eagle (Re: Georgetown v Florida Gulf Coast). And Golden Eagles are pretty bad-arse as far as birds go. Marquette flies off with this pray and feeds it to their little eagle babies.
Illinois Fighting Illini (7) v Colorado Buffaloes (10) - Illinois goes the way of Butler and gets trampled under the steely hooves of the stampeding Buffalo. Also - if anybody tries to correct me for comparing buffalo to bison, and them not technically being the same - bite me - it’s a common enough American convention to over-rule traditional scientific nomenclature.
Miami Hurricanes (2) v Pacific Tigers (15) - AHHHH! If Pacific had chosen to not pick a mascot, they could have won this battle as everyone knows there are no Hurricanes in the Pacific! They are called Typhoons. But alas - a Tiger has no chance.
Round 1 Stats of Note:
Tigers went: 2-1
Lesser Cats (wildcats/ jaguars/ panthers) went: 3-2
Bears went: 4-0
Bearcats went: 1-0
Bison went: 2-0
Acts of God went: 2-0
Irish went: 0-4
Eagles went: 1-1
Lesser Birds (Jays/Jayhawks/owls) went: 3-2
Wolves went: 2-0
Lesser dogs (Bulldogs) went: 2-1
Sheep went: 1-1
Wolverines and Badgers remain undefeated.
Louisville Cardinals (1) v Missouri Tigers (9) - And the first number one seed falls - The cardinal is a pretty pansy bird to start with - hardly worth the tigers time, but in a battle to the death, a mouthful of feathers results.
Oregon Fighting Ducks (12) v N. Mexico St. Aggies (13) - Universal Rule #1 comes back. Aggies are stupid and deserve to lose. Ironically this is the second consecutive pistol toting opponent that the fighting ducks have eliminated. I doubt there will be a third.
Memphis Tigers (6) v Michigan St. Spartans (3) - A Big shield, a sharp sword, and a long spear to keep the tiger at bay. Not many things kill tigers, but men are one of them (Re: Endangered Species)
Cincinnati Bearcats (10) v Duke Blue Devils (2) - I have to assume that regardless of its hierarchy amongst Devils, the Blue ones are powerull enough to overcome lesser or simpleminded animals. I also assume that it is a cat brain that a Bearcat has, so whilst it is lazing away in the sun after snacking on Blue Jays in Rd 1, the Blue Devil will defend is color and end the Bearcats run.
Rd 2 WEST
Gonzaga Bulldogs (1) v Pittsburg Panthers (8) - The Bulldogs pulled one out over Jaguars in Rd 1 - and Jaguars and Panthers are nearly the same thing and this author confused Jaguars with Leopards earlier. But there are no Hyenas in South America either, and Panthers are not afraid of dogs. This spells bad news for the Bulldogs. Apparently large cats have developed a taste for canine.
Wisconsin Badgers (5) v Kansas St Wildcats (4) - Please. Watch the Honey Badger footage.
Belmont Bruins (11) v New Mexico Lobos (3) - Bears v Wolves, one of nature's classic struggles. The advantage here is n the teamwork. Bears are mostly solitary and are formidable foes, 1:1. But against a pack of vicious wolves - the lone bear would fall prey.
Iowa St. Cyclones (10) v Ohio St Buckeyes (2) - Like a chestnut tree could hold up to a hurricane. Please.
Rd 2 SOUTH
Kansas Jayhawks (1) v Villanova Wildcats (9) - Cats eat birds. Especially stupid cross bred Jayhawks. The third number 1 falls in Rd 2.
VCU Rams (5) v Michigan Wolverines (4) - There isn't a sheep on the planet that can intimidate the world's largest weasel.
UCLA Bruins (6) v Florida Gators (3) - EPIC BATTLE!!!! Best Round 2 matchup so far!!! Edge just barely goes to the gator on this one and that edge goes to the territory. It's the south bracket, so the gator is at home in the swamp where the bear is not at his peak. Sorry Bruins.
San Diego St. Aztecs (7) v Georgetown Hoyas (2) - Man domesticated dog. And the Bulldog isn't much of a fighter. Maybe if it was a wolf it would be OK.
Rd 2 EAST
Indiana Hoosiers (1) v N.C. State Wolfpack (8) - There isn't a lot that can stand up to a pack of drooling angry wolves, but the entire state of Indiana probably has the edge. Or at least the last man standing, though they will lose a few in the process. That leaves the Hoosiers as the lone remaining #1 seed in the savory 16.
California Bears (12) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - Ummmm. Ummmm. It seems that upon further research, the California Golden Bear is a subspecies of Grizzly. This should then be a coin toss. But unfortunately, the California Grizzly is extinct. Long live Montana.
Bucknell Bisons (11) v Marquette Golden Eagles (3) - HA! Show me the bird that could kill a Bison. I wouldn't even bet on a Pterodactyl. And keep it to yourself if you know that Pterodactyls were reptiles, not birds. And also they are extinct.
Miami Hurricanes (2) v Colorado Buffaloes (10) - A bird may not kill a Buffalo, but a Hurricane is a massive force of nature, the strength of which a lone, neigh, even a herd of buffalo cannot contend.
Rd3 MIDWEST
Missouri Tigers (9) v Oregon FIGHTING Ducks (12) - Umm - as we established cats eat birds - even highly trained fighting birds that can defeat cowboys with guns.
Michigan St Spartans (3) v Duke Blue Devils (2) - Gotta roll with the warriors here - Spartans are not afraid of any kind of demon or devil, blue or otherwise.
Rd3 WEST
Pitt Panthers (8) v Wisconsin Badgers (5) - Seriously. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
New Mexico Lobos (3) v Iowa St Cyclones (10) - I am really having a difficult time envisioning anybody killing a natural disaster. Wolves are no exception.
Rd3 SOUTH
Villanova Wildcats (9) v Michigan Wolverines (4) - Have we been down this path before? Even a belly full of jack rabbit and mutton is not enough to satiate this wolverine. Cat is next.
Florida Gators (3) v San Diego St Aztecs (7) - Aztecs have weapons and poison darts and stuff. That and some primal human ingenuity should be enough to kill a gator. And skin it and make belts and boots and stuff.
Rd3 EAST
Indiana Hoosiers (1) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - This is another great battle and the Grizzlies kill all of the Hoosiers that the wolf pack left behind. All but one.
Bucknell Bison (11) v Miami Hurricanes (2) - About the only thing that can pick on a bison is a hurricane, as evidenced by their victory over the Buffaloes in round 2. Hurricanes advance.
ELITE 8 BATTLE ROYALE: 3 Humans, 3 Animals and 2 Natural Disasters.
Missouri Tigers (9)
Michigan St Spartans (3)
Wisconsin Badgers (5)
Iowa St Cyclones (10)
Michigan Wolverines (4)
San Diego St Aztecs (7)
Indiana Hoosier (1)
Miami Hurricanes (2)
The Aztec is the first to fall, due to contraction of a debilitating disease from proximity to the lone remaining Hoosier.
The Tiger and the Hoosier then get blown away by the natural disasters due to their relatively high centers of gravity. The Badger and Wolverine, naturally low slung manage to hunker down and avoid lift off, and the Spartans Armor is enough to weigh him down.
At this point in the tournament, both the natural disasters are starting to peter out. Miami has been downgraded to a tropical storm and just happens to be spinning in the opposite direction of cyclone Iowa St. Due to deconstructive interference they meet and destroy each other in their entirety.
The Badger and the Wolverine team up on the Spartan, as they are still small enough to get under the shield he is hiding under and chew away at the un-armored body parts.
That leaves the Wolverine vs the Badger in all out battle. Badgers are ferocious, but they are not Wolverine-ferocious, nor do they possess the superior size or bad attitude. It wasn't easy, but the wolverine kills the badger, but out of respect, does not eat him.
The champion: MICHIGAN WOLVERINES.
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