2014 Mascot Madness

Introduction:  The general premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots.  Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  Think of the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world. 

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.

1.       I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.

2.       If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.

3.       If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.

4.       Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks.  Horns, however are useful.

5.       Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.

6.       Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned.  Also - I apologize for the lack of imagery.  I am still figuring out how to ethically violate copy write laws.

SOUTH

ROUND 1

(1) Florida Gators v (16) Play In:  (1) seeds always win in the first round, and Gators are pretty ferocious.  Don't know who they will snack on, but it will be delicious.

(8) Colorado Buffaloes v (9) Pittsburg Panthers: This is our first instance of a deviation from the rules (they are really more like general guidelines) as Buffaloes are not predatory, per se, but I have a very difficult time picturing a panther taking one down - this round goes to horns and hooves.

(5) VCU Rams v (12) SF Austin Lumberjacks:  I have to assume that the lumberjack in this scenario carries an axe.  Probably double sided as well.  That's two blades of mutton chopping fury.  Lumberjacks win.

(4) UCLA Bruins v (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes:  A bruin is a bear, for those who are unclear.  A golden hurricane is NOT a super storm of golden showers.  Invoking rule 6 - bears have survived hurricanes before, I am certain that these Bruins survive this one.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (11) Dayton Flyers:  A buckeye is a tree. A Dayton Flyer is apparently an homage to the Wright Brothers, who are from Dayton.  In a battle of a flying plane vs a tree, in all likelihood, both die, but the tree has the best chance or growing back - so the Buckeyes win.

(3) Syracuse Orange v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  Sidebar: I was unaware until now that Syracuse changed their mascot from Orangemen to just Orange.  Apparently that happened in, like, 2004 or something.  So now instead of a battle between an Oompa Loompa and pissed off horse, I get to invoke rule number 2.  Colors lose.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (10) Stanford Cardinal:  Rinse and repeat.

(2) Kansas Jayhawks v (15) Eastern Kentucky Colonels: Here's the problem.  The aforementioned Colonel on the Eastern Kentucky logo decidedly resembles Colonel Sanders of KFC fame (coincidence that both are Kentucky?  I think not.)  Anyhow, a Jayhawk as far as I can determine is part Jay (campsite robber) and part Hawk (wicked cool bird of prey) and zero parts chicken.  So this battle doesn't go well as Colonel Sanders is not trained to batter and deep fry thieving birds of prey.  Winner: Kansas.

ROUND 2

(1) Florida Gators v (8) Colorado Buffaloes: Buffalo are tough to kill 1:1, but so are gators.  If the home team is the higher seed, then this is fight to the death takes on a swampy stage and the gator will win, if not by outright victory, then by a slow spreading infection.

(12) SF Austin Lumberjacks v (4) UCLA Bruins:  A lumberjack can kill a sheep easy enough, but taking on a bear with an axe is suicide.  Literally.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  A tree vs a horse.  Not sure how the tree kills the horse, but not sure how the horse could kill the tree.  I reckon the horse kicks the hell out of the tree up to the point of exhaustion and its heart explodes.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (2) Kansas Jayhawks:  A wolf against a thieving bird of prey?  Wolf beats bird.  Easy.

ROUND 3

(1) Florida Gators v (4) UCLA Bruins:  Gator vs Bear in an epic battle - I guess I will ride the home turf advantage: Gator.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (7) New Mexico Lobos:  If you've seen what my Labrador can do to the door trim in my house, you'd have no doubt about what a wolf can do to a tree.

WEST

ROUND 1

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (16) Weber State Wildcats:  Ha! If this wasn't a 1 v 16 this would be an epic battle for the ages!  However, invoke rule 1 and Arizona wins.

(8) Gonzaga Bulldogs v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys sling a six-shooter in my mind, that's 6 shots with which to grease a fat, lazy and drooling dog.  Easy pickin's.

(5) Oklahoma Sooners v (12) North Dakota St. Bison: Picture this, if you will:  Joe Sooner during his mad dash to make a land grab, likely leaving his rifle and wagon behind, crests a small hill and comes face to face with a bison, angry that his native land is being freely taken, tax free, without recompense for the former inhabitants - his fellow bison and the Native Americans.  Stomp, stomp, gore, snort, gore, and stomp some more.  Bison wins.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (13) New Mexico St Aggies:  Aztecs are known for violence and human sacrifice.  Aggies violate rule 3.  San Diego St. wins.  I'd give them two wins if I could.

(6) Baylor Bears v (11) Nebraska Cornhuskers: I will admit that I'm not sure what kind of tools that could act as weapons a cornhusker would have on their person, but I'm guessing it's not a high powered rifle or a Desert Eagle point five-oh.  Much like humans like corn fed beef, bears that make healthy choices, like corn fed huskers.

(3) Creighton Bluejays v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Non predatory animal against an angry redneck that likely hunts alligators for a living.  No contest here, the Cajuns win.

(7) Oregon Ducks v (10) BYU Cougars:  Cats eat birds.  That’s a known fact.  Cougars are very large, very athletic cats, with very sharp claws and very long teeth.  Ducks are tasty.  That is also a known fact.  Nothing gets between this cougar and his duck confit.

(2) Wisconsin Badgers v (15) American Eagles:  Eagles are huge and tough and glorious birds that are illegal to hunt.  But honey badger don't care.  Wisconsin wins.

ROUND 2

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys already used up a couple of bullets shooting that damn bulldog in round 1.  The wildcat is very elusive and the cowboy misses with the remaining 4 bullets leaving him unarmed and delicious.

(12) North Dakota St. Bison v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Bison are tough, but Aztecs are brutal warriors with axes and poison arrows and shit.  Aztecs get to eat buffalo steak, even if they don't have much use for the hide.

(6) Baylor Bears v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Hunting alligators with .22's is one thing.  Hunting bears is another altogether.  Baylor advances.

(10) BYU Cougars v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Disagree if you want, but Badgers are nearly indestructible.  Cougars are tough ass cats, but not the biggest or the toughest and the badger claws his way to victory.

ROUND 3

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Aztecs grew up worshiping Jaguars, or something.  But a wildcat is not a Jaguar and the Aztecs have little problems with disposing of the lesser of the attack cats.

(6) Baylor Bears v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Tough call - the badger wins by continually stealing the bear's food and starving him to death. 

EAST

ROUND 1

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (16) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers:  This may be the most fun match up to say aloud.  Just needs rhythm.  Before I invoke rules 1 and 4 - I just want to explain that a chanticleer is essentially a proud rooster.  A cavalier has a rifle.  This would have been easy without the rules.  Virginia advances.

(8) Memphis Tigers v (9) George Washington Colonials:  I can picture a single colonial encountering a tiger and firing his single shot musket high and wide (they are notoriously inaccurate) and proceeds to initiate the 15 minute reload cycle, the tiger eats him slowly, starting at his feed, and as he continues to reload his musket, the tiger continues to progress up his calves, knees, thighs, etc. until just before his musket is reloaded, he bleeds out. 

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (12) Harvard Crimson:  Consider rule #2 invoked, but for future reference a part bear part cat creature is the thing of nightmares.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (13) Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens:  Ah - this is the opponent that the Colonels really wanted.  Too bad the Spartans will eat these hens raw (deep frying technology was in it's infancy during King Leonidas' reign.  Spartans skewer and devour the blue hens, fightin' or no.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (11) Providence Friars:  A Tarheel is a person from North Carolina (very original) and a Friar takes vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.  I think that is likely to be a victory for the North Carolinian.

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (14) North Carolina Central Eagles:  A bird is about the worst thing to be in a tornado.  Iowa St. wins.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (10) St. Josephs Hawks:  This could be a messy battle - but, I think, in the end, if a hawk is willing to stay talon-to-toe with a husky, that the canine with its superior size and fearlessness would emerge, torn and bloodied, but victorious.

(2) Villanova Wildcats v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  Here's the one that busts the bracket.  I can't in good faith argue that the smaller, weaker cat would kill the bigger stronger one, so onward with the Panthers!

ROUND 2

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (8) Memphis Tigers:  Cavaliers have rifles.  Rifles are the weapon of choice against a tiger.

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (4) Michigan St. Spartans:  As terrifying as a bearcat may be, nothing is as terrifying as a battle ready Spartan warrior.  The bearcat cannot defeat the shield and the Spartan emerges victorious.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones:  Tornado vs dude from North Carolina.  Hmm.  Not likely to have a tornado shelter of any kind, so the Cyclone sends the Tarheel flying into oblivion.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  A panther would totally eat a husky.  An then wear the fur when it goes out for drinks later with his panther buddies.

ROUND 3

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (4) Michigan St. Spartans: HA! A rifle is useful, but not against an armored Spartan! This battle rapidly devolved into hand to hand combat, at which the Spartan excels and spears the cavaliers (hey, that rhymes).

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  The panther, not being a burrowing animal, and generally one to hide in trees has no recourse when the winds of Iowa St. come calling.

NORTH

ROUND 1

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (16) Play In:  Rule 1.

(8) Kentucky Wildcats v (9) Kansas St Wildcats:  Wow.  An 8 vs a 9, and a wildcat vs a wildcat... I am flipping a coin.  A safety buck to be precise....  It came up 'safety buck.'  That didn't help.  Um, yes, the wildcats win!!! I will go ahead and pick the lower seed, I suppose, with the intent on them losing the next round by default.

(5) St. Louis Billikens v (12) NC State/Xavier:  This division is tough to call!  A billiken is a fat charm doll, which is a ridiculously lame mascot.  But I don't know who it is against.  Either the wolf pack of NC state or Musketeers of Xavier?  Doesn't matter.  I’m taking the field on this.

(4) Louisville Cardinals v (13) Manhattan Jaspers:  I was hoping that a Jasper was a Jasper Daniels and that whiskey would kill the cardinals.  It's not.  It is apparently a guy that died, but kind of invented the 7th inning stretch.  But this isn't baseball, its basketball.  Well, actually, it’s a mascot battle to the death, and since Jasper is already dead, somehow the cardinals win, which I suppose is in alignment with rule #5.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (11) Iowa/Tennessee: Minutemen are military trained and ready at a moment's notice.  That’s a bit better than either a Hawkeye or a 'Volunteer'.  Massachusetts it is.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (14) Mercer Bears:  So there aren't really any rules governing the supernatural.  It is known that on the color scale of devils, Blue is near the top.  Not quite as high as a red devil, but certainly higher than the lesser imps and demons of the yellows and browns.  In this instance a high ranking demon will easily thwart a bear in a battle to the death.

(7) Texas Longhorns v (10) Arizona St. Sun Devils:  Supernatural battle number 2!  How cool is this division!  In order to be clear, the weather related devils are a completely different subspecies of demon than the color scaled devils, but can be equally robust and terrifying.  The Sun Devil happens to land somewhere in the middle of the weather devils, less powerful than wind devils, but more powerful than ice and rain devils (and needless to say, INFINITELY more powerful than dust and dirt devils).  But a longhorn is just an angry cow, easily manipulated by the conniving dealings of a tricky sun devil.

(2) Michigan Wolverines v (15) Wofford Terriers:  I like dogs, so I will close my eyes for this.

ROUND 2

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (8) Kentucky Wildcats: A shocker is a wheat harvester, a human, not the machine, which would have been pretty messy for a wildcat.  However, this wildcat is barely alive having fought near to death against a wildcat almost his equal in round one, so the shocker pretty much just hits it with a shovel or a rake or a scythe or whatever they use.  A scythe would be cool.

(12) NC State/Xavier v (4) Louisville Cardinals:  Still don't know who the opponent is, but the field takes it again over the battle inadequacy of cardinals.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (3) Duke Blue Devils:  High level demon vs revolutionary soldier?  Demon reacts in less than a minute and the minuteman is DOA.

(10) Arizona St. Sun Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  You sneaky sun devil - you can't trick a wolverine, they are too single minded in purpose and viciousness to be waylaid.  The wolverine eats the sun devils previously bartered for souls.

ROUND 3

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (12) NC State/Xavier:  At this point, not knowing what the field is, I have to default to the shockers winning again.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  Turns out that Blue Devils are a little sneaker than Sun Devils and had poisoned the previously consumed Sun Devil.  The sick and weakened wolverine eventually passes away due to exhaustion whilst still snapping his jaws at his hated enemy.

ELITE 8!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (7) New Mexico Lobos - Gator beats wolf, easily, although canine is slightly less tasty than the bear in Rd 3.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - Living in the jungle in no way prepares the Aztec for a battle with a grizzled badger.  The badger eats his intestines only.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - In a battle between rules 5 and 6 - I have to go with the natural disaster.  I don't think the Spartan is aware of a tornado or what the expected response would be.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Duke Blue Devils - Fey trickery!  You'd think the blue devil would have something up his sleeve, but the close proximity of Wichita to the Bible Belt trumps his evil powers with the Lords wrath!!!

FINAL 4!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - The badger is one tough sum'bitch, but I just don't see it's smallish teeth and claws getting purchase in the gators tough hide.  And I can't vouch for his ability to swim.  The Gator drowns, then swallows the badger whole.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - If anybody is prepared to withstand a tornado, it the folks in Kansas.  Somewhere over the rainbow is a showdown with an Alligator.

And the WINNER IS: 

Florida.  A bit anticlimactic, I'll agree.  But how would wheat harvesting in Kansas possibly prepare you to kill an alligator in battle?

2013 - 1st Ever Mascot Madness!!!

The first annual Mascot Madness where the winners in each match are determined by a hypothetical battle to the death - this was originally written in 2013, but not posted until March 2014.  Consider it an archive of greatness.

Rd 1 MIDWEST:

Louisville Cardinals (1) v N.C. A&T Aggies (16) - I get to implement universal rule #1 - I don't know what the hell and Aggie is.  I know a lot of schools use it as a mascot, but then pick some random, seemingly unassociated mascot to represent them.  In this case, it is a bulldog of some sort.  But since Aggie is the mascot, and that doesn't seem to exist in my head - all schools with Aggies lose immediately, unless they encounter an even more worthless un-specified opponent.

Colorado St. Rams (8) v Missouri Tigers (9) - There isn't much that is more knee-buckling than the site of two ram's colliding skull to skull at full speed in a dance of dominance.  However this isn't a battle between two rams.  This is a ram against a freaking tiger.  The tiger would just get out of the way, and then eat the ram.  Mutton tastes good.

Oklahoma St Cowboys (5) v Oregon Ducks (12) - On the surface this seems like a no-brainer man vs fowl, man always wins, right?  But further research will indicate that the official mascot of Oregon is the Fighting Ducks, not just the wimpy sit, quack and get shot at ducks.  Also, cowboys usually carry pistols, which are inaccurate at ranges over 10-20 feet.  I'm not sure what kind of training a Fighting Duck receives, but I assume it is extensive - so on with the Ducks!

Saint Louis Billikins (4) v New Mexico St. Aggies (13) - FREAK!  I didn't expect to invoke universal rule #1 again so quickly!  Wait - What the freak is a Billikin?  It is a charm doll?  How the hell do you pick that as your mascot?  And this revision of an Aggie is somehow a cowboy with a pistol (odd that that came up again as well) - well no matter how poor the shooter, I have to go with the Aggies this time - they'd better hope they don't come across any fighting ducks, though.

Memphis Tigers (6) v St Mary's Gaels - Point of note - a Gael is one who speaks Gaelic, or is considered an Irish person (we don't discriminate on sex here).  In a fair fight, the tiger will maul the Gael.  But the Irish don't fight fair, do they?  They fight drunk.  So the tiger still wins.  And has Guinness burps.

Michigan St Spartans (3) v Valparaiso Crusaders (14) - There is no way in the history of earth that any crusaders, who failed miserably to take and hold the middle east will ever, EVER upset the most feared warriors of ancient Greece that defended against thousands with only 300 (Note - not historically accurate, they had a little help, and a Navy, but that wasn't in the movie, and won't make a difference anyhow).  King Leonidas wins easy.

Creighton Blue Jays (7) v Cincinnati Bearcats (10) - If a Bearcat is, indeed, a combination of a bear and a cat, not only is it fearsome but it has a taste for birds.  Creighton doesn't stand a chance.  I would also be worried about any other mascot.

Duke Blue Devils (2) v Albany  Great Danes (15) - I'm not entirely sure where Blue Devil ranks in the hierarchy of the colored devils (I am pretty sure that Red is pretty bad-arse), but I am certain that Great Danes are just huge lazy, lumbering, poop factories, so I have to go with the Devils on this one.

RD 1 WEST

Gonzaga Bulldogs (1) v Southern Jaguars (16) - I have never seen a 16 seed upset a 1 seed - but according to mascot logic, there is no situation wear a Jaguar doesn't eat a bulldog.  Wait - Jaguars are afraid of Hyenas so they climb trees to avoid them? Hyenas are related to Bulldogs?  Bulldogs scare Jaguars into trees?  You can't fight from a tree.  Bulldogs win by default.

Pittsburg Panthers (8) v Wichita St Shockers (9) - Note to the unaware - do not Google 'What is a Shocker' without including the term 'Wichita St.'  These Shockers are ones who harvest.  Panthers can not only sneak through wheat fields, but they hunt and eat.  They don't grow and harvest.  Panthers win in a bloody mess.

Wisconsin Badgers (5) v Mississippi Rebels (12) - If anybody has seen the honey-badger youtube video you know that this one ends poorly for Mississippi St.  They may crawl out of this mangled and broken, but they cannot win this fight.

Kansas St Wildcats (4) v La Salle Explorers (13) - Wildcats have been attacking and eating explorers for centuries.  Also, if anybody has played any world domination computer games, you would know that explorers cannot attack anything.  This one is obvious.  Go cats.

Arizona Wildcats (6) v Belmont Bruins (11) - For those who don't know, a Bruin is a Bear.  And bears are awesome.  These bears will snack on wildcat (tastes like chicken, but stringier).  This will prevent future conundrum about who wins a wildcat v wildcat battle with K state.  Both teams would still fear Cincinnati, though.

New Mexico Lobos (3) v Harvard Crimson (14) - Lobos are wolves.  Crimson is a color.  Dogs are colorblind, so they don't care.  There is no color other than the color 'Liam Neeson' that can stand up to a pack of Lobos.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish (7) v Iowa St Cyclones (10) - And our first natural disaster of the tournament!  The most dangerous of the Irish mascots unfortunately draws an extremely tough opponent. Who fights a tornado?  How does one even fight a tornado?  I don't know, but his also bodes well for Miami.  Iowa St. breezes into the next round.

Ohio St. Buckeyes (2) v Iona Gaels (15) - Stands to reason that if the Irish couldn't even grow their potatoes correctly, that they would struggle to harvest chestnut trees.  Win one for the Buckeyes.

Rd 1 SOUTH

Kansas Jayhawks (1) v W. Kentucky Hilltoppers (16) - Apparently, hilltoppers are trains.  A Jayhawk is a combination of a Jay and a Hawk.  Not as dangerous as a regular, non-crossbred Hawk, but none the less, easily able to avoid being hit by a train until the train runs out of steam.  Thus Kansas wins the battle of attrition.

North Carolina Tarheels (8) v Villanova Wildcats (9) - A nickname for inhabitants of NC vs our third set of wildcats. This would be a coin toss, but North Carolinians aren't exactly known for their toughness, so I'm sticking with the Wildcats (side note - if they would have chosen 'Thundercats' instead of Wildcats, this would be a massacre, not a coin toss).

VCU Rams (5) v Akron Zips (12) - The logo for Akron appears to be a kangaroo, which would make for a terrific fight - but the Zips originally stemmed from a type of rubber shoe.  Lame.  Rams probably wouldn't know what to do with a rubber shoe, so they would probably eat it.  Or feed it to their goat friends.

Michigan Wolverines (4) v S. Dakota St It Doesn't Matters (13) - If you know anything about wolverines, you know that this will end poorly for SDST.  Wolverines are decidedly vicious and known to hunt and kill Caribou, or even brazenly steal meals from cougars and grizzly bears.  But what if SDST has an awesome mascot you may be wondering?  Well - I did look it up.  It's the Jackrabbits. Oh the humanity.

UCLA Bruins (6) v Minnesota Golden Gophers (11) - All I can picture is a giant bear sitting on his haunches picking up and biting the heads off of every gopher that walks by and discarding the carcass over his shoulder for the little bears to feast on.

Florida Gators (3) v Northwestern St Demons (14) -I don't know how to fight a demon.  Maybe a Blue Devil does.  I am, however, certain that the single minded viciousness of gators does not lend well to demon possession, so the Gators win this... somehow.

San Diego St Aztecs (7) v Oklahoma Sooners (10) - Whilst Aztecs were susceptible to disease, they were also fierce warriors.  Fierce warriors will always defeat greedy, overeager land-grabbers.

Georgetown Hoyas (2) v Florida Gulf Coast Eagles - The eagle is the most dangerous of birds with which to battle, however I just don't see and eagle killing a bulldog.  Any of the smaller feline mascots, maybe.  But the low center of gravity and the massive under-bite give the Hoya a slight, every so slight advantage.  Also - as any eagle enthusiast will tell you, the gulf coast eagles are, like, the YUGO of eagle species.

Rd 1. EAST

Indiana Hoosiers (1) v James Madison Dukes (16) - The Hoosiers are all the people in Indiana the Dukes are named after one person.  And it isn't the one person you think.  If it was, well, pardner, this would have a diff'rnt endin'.  As is, the Hoosiers take it down with teamwork.

NC State Wolfpack (8) V Temple Owls (9) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Maybe if it was the NC State Field Mice.

UNLV Runnin' Rebels (5) v California Bears (12) - It's all in the name.  The Rebels be running.  Away.  From Bears.  Who are awesome. And run faster than Rebels.

Syracuse Orangemen (4) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - Ursus arctos horribilis.  It's all in the name. Orangemen are Irish Protestants, and if you've gotten this far and haven’t seen a pattern with 1) the Irish Mascots or 2) the entire Bear family (including BearCats) then now is a good time to start over.  You have failed, please try again.

Butler Bulldogs (5) v Bucknell Bison (11) - The bulldogs have had a good run so far, with Gonzaga and Georgetown pulling out what could be mis-interpreted a skewed battles due to an inherent preference to predict high seed victories.  That ends here.  Bison are even more awesome than bears.  These beasts won't even know that they trampled the bulldogs - this is a bone-crushing mismatch.

Marquette Golden Eagles (3) v Davidson Wildcats (14) - And here we go - as alluded to earlier, smallish cats vs eagles favors the eagle (Re: Georgetown v Florida Gulf Coast).  And Golden Eagles are pretty bad-arse as far as birds go.  Marquette flies off with this pray and feeds it to their little eagle babies.

Illinois Fighting Illini (7) v Colorado Buffaloes (10) - Illinois goes the way of Butler and gets trampled under the steely hooves of the stampeding Buffalo.  Also - if anybody tries to correct me for comparing buffalo to bison, and them not technically being the same - bite me - it’s a common enough American convention to over-rule traditional scientific nomenclature.

Miami Hurricanes (2) v Pacific Tigers (15) - AHHHH! If Pacific had chosen to not pick a mascot, they could have won this battle as everyone knows there are no Hurricanes in the Pacific!  They are called Typhoons.  But alas - a Tiger has no chance.

  

Round 1 Stats of Note:

Tigers went:  2-1

Lesser Cats (wildcats/ jaguars/ panthers) went:  3-2

Bears went:  4-0

Bearcats went: 1-0

Bison went: 2-0

Acts of God went: 2-0

Irish went:  0-4

Eagles went:  1-1

Lesser Birds (Jays/Jayhawks/owls) went: 3-2

Wolves went: 2-0

Lesser dogs (Bulldogs) went: 2-1

Sheep went:  1-1

Wolverines and Badgers remain undefeated.

Rd 2 MIDWEST

Louisville Cardinals (1) v Missouri Tigers (9) - And the first number one seed falls - The cardinal is a pretty pansy bird to start with - hardly worth the tigers time, but in a battle to the death, a mouthful of feathers results.

Oregon Fighting Ducks (12) v N. Mexico St. Aggies (13) - Universal Rule #1 comes back.  Aggies are stupid and deserve to lose.  Ironically this is the second consecutive pistol toting opponent that the fighting ducks have eliminated.  I doubt there will be a third.

Memphis Tigers (6) v Michigan St. Spartans (3) - A Big shield, a sharp sword, and a long spear to keep the tiger at bay.  Not many things kill tigers, but men are one of them (Re: Endangered Species)

Cincinnati Bearcats (10) v Duke Blue Devils (2) - I have to assume that regardless of its hierarchy amongst Devils, the Blue ones are powerull enough to overcome lesser or simpleminded animals.  I also assume that it is a cat brain that a Bearcat has, so whilst it is lazing away in the sun after snacking on Blue Jays in Rd 1, the Blue Devil will defend is color and end the Bearcats run.

Rd 2 WEST

Gonzaga Bulldogs (1) v Pittsburg Panthers (8) - The Bulldogs pulled one out over Jaguars in Rd 1 - and Jaguars and Panthers are nearly the same thing and this author confused Jaguars with Leopards earlier.  But there are no Hyenas in South America either, and Panthers are not afraid of dogs.  This spells bad news for the Bulldogs.  Apparently large cats have developed a taste for canine.

Wisconsin Badgers (5) v Kansas St Wildcats (4) - Please.  Watch the Honey Badger footage.

Belmont Bruins (11) v New Mexico Lobos (3) - Bears v Wolves, one of nature's classic struggles.  The advantage here is n the teamwork.  Bears are mostly solitary and are formidable foes, 1:1.  But against a pack of vicious wolves - the lone bear would fall prey.

Iowa St. Cyclones (10) v Ohio St Buckeyes (2) - Like a chestnut tree could hold up to a hurricane.  Please.

Rd 2 SOUTH

Kansas Jayhawks (1) v Villanova Wildcats (9) - Cats eat birds.  Especially stupid cross bred Jayhawks.  The third number 1 falls in Rd 2.

VCU Rams (5) v Michigan Wolverines (4) - There isn't a sheep on the planet that can intimidate the world's largest weasel.     

UCLA Bruins (6) v Florida Gators (3) - EPIC BATTLE!!!! Best Round 2 matchup so far!!!  Edge just barely goes to the gator on this one and that edge goes to the territory.  It's the south bracket, so the gator is at home in the swamp where the bear is not at his peak.  Sorry Bruins.

San Diego St. Aztecs (7) v Georgetown Hoyas (2) - Man domesticated dog.  And the Bulldog isn't much of a fighter.  Maybe if it was a wolf it would be OK.

Rd 2 EAST

Indiana Hoosiers (1) v N.C. State Wolfpack (8) - There isn't a lot that can stand up to a pack of drooling angry wolves, but the entire state of Indiana probably has the edge.  Or at least the last man standing, though they will lose a few in the process.  That leaves the Hoosiers as the lone remaining #1 seed in the savory 16.

California Bears (12) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - Ummmm.  Ummmm.  It seems that upon further research, the California Golden Bear is a subspecies of Grizzly.  This should then be a coin toss.  But unfortunately, the California Grizzly is extinct.  Long live Montana.

Bucknell Bisons (11) v Marquette Golden Eagles (3) - HA!  Show me the bird that could kill a Bison.  I wouldn't even bet on a Pterodactyl.  And keep it to yourself if you know that Pterodactyls were reptiles, not birds.  And also they are extinct.

Miami Hurricanes (2) v Colorado Buffaloes (10) - A bird may not kill a Buffalo, but a Hurricane is a massive force of nature, the strength of which a lone, neigh, even a herd of buffalo cannot contend.

Rd3 MIDWEST

Missouri Tigers (9) v Oregon FIGHTING Ducks (12) - Umm - as we established cats eat birds - even highly trained fighting birds that can defeat cowboys with guns.

Michigan St Spartans (3) v Duke Blue Devils (2) - Gotta roll with the warriors here - Spartans are not afraid of any kind of demon or devil, blue or otherwise.

Rd3 WEST

Pitt Panthers (8) v Wisconsin Badgers (5) - Seriously.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg

New Mexico Lobos (3) v Iowa St Cyclones (10) - I am really having a difficult time envisioning anybody killing a natural disaster.  Wolves are no exception.

Rd3 SOUTH

Villanova Wildcats (9) v Michigan Wolverines (4) - Have we been down this path before? Even a belly full of jack rabbit and mutton is not enough to satiate this wolverine.  Cat is next.

Florida Gators (3) v San Diego St Aztecs (7) - Aztecs have weapons and poison darts and stuff.  That and some primal human ingenuity should be enough to kill a gator.  And skin it and make belts and boots and stuff.

Rd3 EAST

Indiana Hoosiers (1) v Montana Grizzlies (13) - This is another great battle and the Grizzlies kill all of the Hoosiers that the wolf pack left behind.  All but one.

Bucknell Bison (11) v Miami Hurricanes (2) - About the only thing that can pick on a bison is a hurricane, as evidenced by their victory over the Buffaloes in round 2.  Hurricanes advance.

ELITE 8 BATTLE ROYALE: 3 Humans, 3 Animals and 2 Natural Disasters.

Missouri Tigers (9)

Michigan St Spartans (3)

Wisconsin Badgers (5)

Iowa St Cyclones (10)

Michigan Wolverines (4)

San Diego St Aztecs (7)

Indiana Hoosier (1)

Miami Hurricanes (2)

The Aztec is the first to fall, due to contraction of a debilitating disease from proximity to the lone remaining Hoosier.

The Tiger and the Hoosier then get blown away by the natural disasters due to their relatively high centers of gravity.  The Badger and Wolverine, naturally low slung manage to hunker down and avoid lift off, and the Spartans Armor is enough to weigh him down. 

At this point in the tournament, both the natural disasters are starting to peter out.  Miami has been downgraded to a tropical storm and just happens to be spinning in the opposite direction of cyclone Iowa St.  Due to deconstructive interference they meet and destroy each other in their entirety.

The Badger and the Wolverine team up on the Spartan, as they are still small enough to get under the shield he is hiding under and chew away at the un-armored body parts.

That leaves the Wolverine vs the Badger in all out battle.  Badgers are ferocious, but they are not Wolverine-ferocious, nor do they possess the superior size or bad attitude.  It wasn't easy, but the wolverine kills the badger, but out of respect, does not eat him.

The champion:  MICHIGAN WOLVERINES.