2016 Mascot Madness!!!

The premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots. 

Since it is not always obvious to the layman (you) who has the advantage in battle, I must put forth the following addendum:

Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  To paraphrase the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world.

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules (well, they are really more guidelines than rules) that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.  As this is my world, I will wield these guidelines on my whim – which is to say, if, in fact, I choose a color to somehow win a battle (not that I’m still reeling from 2014’s rainbow invasion in the first round) and that violates a ‘guideline’ then tough sprinkles – see the addendum above.

1.       I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.

2.       If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.

3.       If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.

4.       Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks and bulldogs.  Horns, however are useful.

5.       Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.

6.       Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its own ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned. 

South

1 Kansas Jayhawks v 16 Austin Peay Governors:  See universal rule #1.  Also Governor = politician.  I would find a way to make sure he died.  Kansas wins.

8 Colorado Buffaloes v 9 UConn Huskies:  The sheer size and orneriness of the bison is overwhelming to the husky.  Superior long distance capability does no good when you get stepped on and gored by a ton of angry snorting bull.  Colorado moves on.

5 Maryland Terrapins v 12 S Dakota State Jackrabbits:  We've known how this one went since child hood.  Slow and steady wins this race.  Maryland moves on. 

4 Cal Bears v 13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors:   Hmmm.  Bears.

6 Arizona Wildcats v 11 Vandy/Wichita Commodores/Shockers:  Well, this is a bit of a pickle. Shockers have cool wheat harvesting tools that might be effective.  A commodore could, conceivably, be commanding a naval vessel which would have a whole lot of firepower.  Gonna roll the dice and opt with the play-in winner, whomever that may be.

3 Miami Hurricanes v 12 Buffalo Bulls:  Tough one, but a bull is really just a cow, and I'm pretty sure that cows don't fair to well in a Hurricane.  I saw a movie once of a cow being flung across the countryside by a tornado, the younger, wussier cousin of a hurricane.  Miami moves on.

7 Iowa Hawkeyes v 10 Temple Owls:  This is surprisingly difficult as it doesn't seem that anybody really knows what a hawkeye is, and definitely, definitely do NOT consult Urban Dictionary.... dont do it.... don't.  OK, you checked, didn't you?  So there is that.... so, Owls, I guess?

2 Villanova Wildcats vs 15 UNC Ashville Bulldogs:  Predator v prey, predator wins.  I got no time for bulldogs in this fight.  'Nova moves on.

East

1 UNC Tarheels v 16 FGSU/FDU Eagles/Knights:  Rule #1.

8 USC Trojans v 9 Providence Friars:  Ancient warrior vs stereotypically fat beer guzzling clergyman?  USC moves on.

5 Indiana Hoosiers v 12 Chattanooga Mocs: Good to know that a Moc is a Mockingbird. Harper Lee would be aghast, as the Hoosiers (some sort of settler, from what I can gather) are willing to kill a mockingbird.  Indiana advances.

4 Kentucky Wildcats v 13 Stony Brook Seawolves:  This is interesting - the Seawolf is a mythical creature thought to bring good luck, or so the folks from Stony Brook (doesn't that sound like it should be a retirement community?) would have you believe.  I think it's just an angry seal.  That would give the wildcat the distinct advantage, because seal blubber is delicious.  Kentucky wins.

6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish v 11 Michigan/Tulsa Wolverines/Golden Hurricanes:  This is tough - the play in games make this so difficult.  We have late night bar brawlers vs an angry weasel (epically aggressive and angry, I might add) and a natural disaster.  Gonna lean toward the play ins on this one.

3 West Virginia Mountaineers v 13 SF Austin Lumberjacks: The way I see it, a mountaineer is a lumberjack with a shotgun and some tracking skills.  That makes this a no brainer.  Better weaponry and experience in the woods?  WV all day.

7 Wisconsin Badgers v 10 Pitt Panthers:  Badger v Panther could get messy, but if you've read any of the past posts, you understand that the Badger almost always gets the benefit of the doubt.  Go watch the honey badger clip on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg).  Wisconsin wins.

2 Xavier Musketeers v 15 Weber State Wildcats:  Target practice.  Xavier wins.

West

1 Oregon Fighting Ducks v 16 HC/Southern Crusaders/Jaguars:  Thank goodness for universal rule #1.

8 Saint Joes Hawks v 9 Cincinnati Bearcats:  By know you know that the idea of a bearcat should leave you shivering in a puddle of you own making, and it would be no different for a hawk.  Cincinnati it is.

5 Baylor Bears v 12 Yale Bulldogs:  Not a good year to be a bulldog.  And the Bears are just coming out of hibernation and are hungry.  Baylor eats Yale with a side of berries.

4 Duke Blue Devils v 13 UNC Wilmington Seahawks:  Now we are talking.  In general I am a huge Seahawks fan.  But that's the REAL Seahawks, the ones from Seattle, not the east coast!  The exploits of the Blue Devil are well chronicled and this is but another chapter.  The Blue ones bedevil the Seahawks and they dive into the ocean, never to resurface.

6 Texas Longhorns v 11 Northern Iowa Panthers:  Long angry horns bolted to 2000 lbs of fury will gore and score against a jungle cat.  Way to go Texas.

3 Texas A&M Aggies v 14 Green Bay Phoenix:  WTF?  Aggies Suck!  But a Phoenix is known to rise from its own ashes, implying that it must be easy to kill, or at least die once?  I guess A&M wins?

7 Oregon State Beavers v 10 VCU Rams:  Ram smash beaver.  Beaver flat.  Locals I work with

unhappy.  VCU advances.

2 Oklahoma Sooners v CSU Bakersfield Roadrunners:  A prematurely land-grabbing human against, what is in reality a stupid little bird.  Don't let Wile E. Coyote's fictionalized failures fool you.  The Sooners are roasting Roadrunner hors d'oeuvres on a moonless prairie night.

Midwest

1 UVA Cavaliers v 16 Hampton Pirates:  See rule #1.

8 Texas Tech Red Raiders v 9 Butler Bulldogs: In the world of Raiders, the Reds are known to be of the highest class.  In the world of dogs.... well, I know it seems I'm picking on Bulldogs, but geez, if you wanted a fearsome canine, how about a wolf or a Doberman?  Red is all that the Raiders leave behind, TT advances.

5 Purdue Boilermakers v 12 AR- Littlerock Trojans:  I gotta give this one to Hector and crew as I don't see a 'boilermaker' whatever that may be defeating a trained soldier, even one from 2000 years ago.

4 Iowa State Cyclones v 13 Iona Gaels:  Another Irishman (or at least a Gaelic person) against a natural disaster.  While adept at functioning with 'the spins' an actual tornado is a whole 'nother problem.  Iowa State wins in devastating fashion.

6 Seton Hall Pirates v 11 Gonzaga Bulldogs:  Odds are a Bulldog will win eventually.  But against a pirate?  With a blunderbuss?  Not this time.

3 Utah Utes v 14 Fresno State bulldogs:  Slightly less powerful than a blunderbuss would be the ancestral weapons of the Utes.  Less powerful, maybe, but most likely wielded with more skill and precision.  That leaves the last in a litter of bulldogs lying in ruin, a pin cushion of arrows.

7 Dayton Flyers v 10 Syracuse Orange:  I found out that a plane can kill a tree once.  My guess it can kill a stupid color as well.

2 Michigan State Spartans v Mid Tennessee Blue Raiders:  As we've established, the Red Raider is the pinnacle of raiding.  The Blue Raider is in a completely inferior class.  The Spartan is the pinnacle of ancient warriors.  I'd take a Spartan over most raiders, especially the blue kind.

Wow - tough year to be a bulldog.  0-5 in the first round.  Yikes.

ROUND 2

Kansas v Colorado:  Jayhawk vs Bison?  That unfortunate for our first #1 seed - a bird that is half Jay half hawk.  Hmm.  That essentially a raven.  Raven v Bison?  The raven would likely be smart and quick enough to avoid the bison for a loooong time, but, I see no way for it to incapacitate or kill the bison, even if given an eternity, whereas the  bison could easily step on the bird.  Kansas falls.

Maryland v Cal:  I don't know if bears have ever had turtle soup or not.  I don't know what was in the porridge that Goldilocks stole.  But I'm willing to bet their jaws are strong enough to break through a sea turtle shell.  Or at least rip off its fins and legs.  Advantage:  Cal.

Vandy/Wichita v Miami:  I think the natural disaster has the advantage here, whomever it is against.  You don’t want to be on a boat during a hurricane, and there is nowhere to hide in the wheat fields of Kansas.  Miami moves on.

Temple v 'Nova: An owl against a wildcat, now that is slightly interesting, but even the heaviest of owls (native to the USA that is) is only around, like, 5 lbs (and we don't know for certain that the Temple owl is a 'great horned owl,' as it could very easily be a pygmy owl), I think the wildcats would have a distinct advantage.

UNC v USC:  A Tarheel, somebody from North Carolina vs a Trojan.  I want to go with the warrior, but the state constitution protects the right to bear arms, so I'd ask thee - a Trojan (sword, shield, possibly bow and arrow if you are that pissy little cry baby, Paris) against a dude with a modern gun?  I take firepower.  UNC wins the battle of middle initials.

Indiana v Kentucky: Classic match up - a person from Indiana vs a wild cat?  I think the logic in the UNC v USC bout applies here as well?  Except it's shooting a cat.  I'm allergic to cats. I'm OK with that.  Indiana it is.

Michigan/Tulsa v West Virginia: If anybody can survive a hurricane, it’s a mountaineer.  Not to mention most hurricanes don't happen in the mountains.  And if anybody knows how to shoot a wolverine, it is also a mountaineer.  WV moves on.

Wisconsin v Xavier:  Badger vs Musketeer.  The Musketeer is probably still re-loading while the badger chews his arm off and scurries away into a little hole with his bloody prize while the musketeer cannot reload with one arm and he slowly bleeds out from the remaining stump...bloody stump.  Yikes.

Oregon v Cincinnati:  A duck, well, a fighting duck, but I checked, and it doesn't have a sword or anything cool like that, against a urine inducing bear-cat amalgam?  Roast duck is on the menu in the bear cat kitchen.

Baylor v Duke:  The blue devil may be tricky, but a bear just doesn't care, not this bear anyhow.  This bear learned its lesson from last year's trickery.  The bear treats the blue devil like prey and mauls it.  It didn't taste very good, so it didn't eat the whole thing, but enough.  It ate just enough.

Texas v A&M:  Universal rule #3.  Texas, the University of, that is, advances.

VCU v Oklahoma:  Ram vs Sooner?  I think the human has the advantage.  Farmers and ranchers alike enjoy mutton.  Oklahoma wins. 

UVA v Texas Tech:  A cavalier vs a raider?  Is there anything better designed to thwart even the highest order of raiders than a trained soldier with swords?  Probably a trained soldier with guns.  But no matter.  Cavaliers were supporters of the crown during the English civil war, so my guess is they have training in dealing with riff raff, but that war didn't work out so well for the crown, so maybe they weren't any good.  Still tough to see a common (al be it elite) raider claiming victory over a soldier. UVA holds off the threat.

AR - Little Rock v Iowa State:  Trojan vs Tornado?  As much as I appreciate their battle tested expertise in combat, the ancient Greeks haven't been so great at dealing with natural disasters, and a tornado is not a far reach from all the shit Poseidon threw at Odysseus.  And most of his crew died.  Iowa State moves on.

Seton Hall v Utah:  Great matchup - a Pirate vs a Ute.  Much like the musketeer, slow reloads of pirate weapons cost dearly to the cool killing efficiency of Native American weaponry.  Utah wins.

Dayton v Michigan State: A plane against a Spartan?  Pretty sure the Spartan would just avoid getting crashed into, and then hack the living shit out of the remaining corpse of the plane and pilot.  State wins.

SWEET 16

Colorado v Cal:  Bear v Bison - what a terrific battle.  Bison has size and horns, bear has teeth, claws and athleticism.  Gotta give this one to the natural predator, but not by much.  Cal advances.

Miami v Nova:  Wildcats aren't exactly known for their fortitude in the face of a hurricane, so I think Miami keeps storming.

UNC v Indiana:  Well shit.  A battle of two names for native (well, technically not true natives) peoples.  So what do we do?  Who's tougher?  A North Carolinian or an Indianan?  Hmmm.  NC was one of the original 13 colonies that helped kick British ass.  I guess that’s as good a tiebreaker as I'm gonna get.

WV v Wisconsin:  Mountaineer vs Badger.  Man with gun will probably win.  Sorry badgers.

Cincinnati v Baylor:  Here's the thing about a bear cat - while it is an awesome combination, it is weaker than a full bear, and not as fast as a full cat.  Thus a pure bear has a strength and size advantage, and would ultimately win, though not without taking a few licks.

Texas v Oklahoma:  Longhorn v Sooner, cattle vs pioneer?  Gotta take the guy with the rifle who likes beefsteak.

UVA v Iowa St: Cavalier vs a Cyclone?  Even in Virginia, I'd think that they'd have the common sense to seek shelter until a storm blows over.  The Cavalier hides to fight another day.

Utah v Mich St:  Ute v Spartan.... another epic battle, but unlike a pirate, a Spartan is trained for war from birth, and maintains strict battlefield discipline.  Better metal and protective shielding and training win the day for State.

Elite 8

Cal v Miami - if there is a non-human mammal that would outlast a hurricane, I'd have to assume it would be the one that weighs 1000 lbs. and has often resides in a cave.  On goes Cal.

UNC v West Virginia - This isn't just any old West Virginian, this is a man with a gun that can live of the fatta tha lan.'  A tough old mountain rough son of a bitch, certainly no match for the common tar heel.  UNC goes down!

Baylor v Oklahoma - a Bear is not cattle, but these Sooners have proven to be tough, industrious, and surprisingly well-armed.  It doesn't always go this way, but a lucky shot here and the bear goes down.

UVA v Michigan State - British steel from the 1600's vs Greek steel and fortitude from 2000 years ago.  I think the likelihood that the cavaliers is packing a musket or two gives them a distinct advantage.  UVA advances.

Final 4

Cal v Oklahoma:  The sooner shoots the bear.  It's lucky, but hey, if it works on Oregon Trail, then it should work for the tourney, right?

WV v UVA:  Both people, both with weapons, one probably has newer guns, but the other is a soldier.  Sometimes it just comes down to the being the best dressed in order to go to the big dance.  The Mountaineers just aren't as dashing as the Cavaliers. 

The 'Ship 

Sooner vs Cavalier!  IDK - not the match up I was imagining, but what can you do?  I can't get over the logos.  There's some cool swords on UVA's and nothing on Oklahoma's.  Gonna give this one to the Cavaliers.

2015 Mascot Madness!!!

Now with MOSTLY NEW CONTENT!!!

The premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots. 

Since it is not always obvious to the layman (you) who has the advantage in battle, I must put forth the following addendum:

Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  To paraphrase the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world.

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules (well, they are really more guidelines than rules) that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.  As this is my world, I will wield these guidelines on my whim – which is to say, if, in fact, I choose a color to somehow win a battle (not that I’m still reeling from 2014’s rainbow invasion in the first round) and that violates a ‘guideline’ then tough sprinkles – see the addendum above.

1. I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.
2. If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.
3. If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.
4. Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks.  Horns, however are useful.
5. Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.
6. Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned. 

Midwest Rd 1

1 Kentucky Wildcats vs 16 Hampton University Pirates:  Gladly invoke universal rule #1 here, as without it the Pirates would be picking blunderbuss pellets out of their other, other, other white meat dinner.  Kentucky wins.

2 Kansas Jayhawks vs 15 New Mexico State Aggies:  Universal Rule #3.   The Jayhawks will need to wait another round to flex their thieving bird of prey hybrid muscles.  Kansas moves on.

3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs 14 Northeastern Huskies:  This really hinges on the interpretation of Huskies.  Is it an entire sled dog team?  Is it all of the Irish, either drunk or sober?  I think for the sake of simplicity, it must be a single husky against a single drunk Irishman.  Granted the extra numbers would make a difference either way, in 1:1 combat, the man with the broken bottles in his hands has the advantage.  Notre Dame wins.

4 Maryland Terrapins vs 13 Valparaiso Crusaders: OK, I kid you not.  I actually googled ‘what is a Terrapin’ even though I knew it was a turtle of some kind.  But I wanted some background info on its fighting skill, training regimen, nutritional regiment, you know, the standard stuff for this kind of thing... Anyhow the VERY first definition is ‘a small edible turtle.’  Go ahead, check if you want.  I got all day.  So do the Crusaders (in all honesty, I still don’t know which crusaders these may be, so I will need to google that later, but I’m reasonably sure that they weren’t crusaders that failed in their quest to rid the land of small delicious reptiles).  Valparaiso claims the victory.

5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 12 Buffalo Bulls:  On the surface, the Bull on the Buffalo logo looks pretty menacing, but if the Mountaineer Mascot is to be believed, not only do they carry a rifle and don a ‘coon –skin cap, but, get this... THEY WEAR LEATHER CLOTHES ... and leather comes from... you got it.  There is nothing as intimidating as going into battle to find your opponent is wearing your brother’s skin.  Of course, it could be deer skin, but I don’t think the Bulls know the difference.  West Virginia moves to Rd2.

6 Butler Bulldogs vs 11 Texas Longhorns:  For years now this damn bulldog has been confounding my brackets.  Horns are helpful.  You heard as much in rule #4, and the Texas long horn has a pretty ornery disposition to go with them.  Texas wins.

7 Wichita St Shockers vs 10 Indian Hoosiers:  Shocker: that’s essentially a man (or woman, jeez – relax) who harvests wheat.  A Hoosier is essentially a person from Indiana. I don’t know what kind of inherent fighting ability that one from Indiana would have, but I assume, well, none.  A shocker on the other hand most probably carries a tool that is likely to be used in every teenage horror movie from Scream to I Know What You Did Last Summer.  Weapons advantage:  Wichita State moves on.

8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 9 Purdue Boilermakers:  A person that constructs boilers might be on the tougher side of things, hardworking, robust, and useful with his (or ‘her’... jeez, let it go already) hands.  But against an absolutely terrifying hybrid BEAR with CAT-like agility?  Not.  A.  Chance.  Cincinnati wins.

East Rd 1

1 Villanova Wildcats vs 16 Lafayette Leopards:  Another fortunate application of Universal Rule #1, as a Leopard would destroy a wild cat (which I take to be a bobcat, or maybe a lynx).  ‘Nova moves to round 2.

2 Virginia Cavaliers vs 15 Belmont Bruins:  Dang.  I really wish Cavaliers were better equipped.  Swords.  Really.  You cannot take on a bear with swords.  Even if I was willing to throw in an advantage for being mounted, I think the Bruin still wins.  Dang.  Belmont on to Rd 2.

3 Oklahoma Sooners vs 14 Albany Great Danes:  Interesting matchup here.  Great Danes are all but worthless as far as oversized canines go.  If this was a competition for eating, sleeping, farting or sleep farting – they might have an advantage.  As is, the Sooner just needs to find a way to wait for, like, the 15 minute lifespan that is expected of Great Danes (which is not an easy task for a Sooner) and I think they can do it.  Oklahoma is OK to move on.

4 Louisville Cardinals vs 13 Cal-Irvine Anteaters:  A cardinal isn’t even a bird of prey.  It doesn't even have camouflage. It eats insect’s fruit and seeds.  Anteaters also eat insects, isn't that cool?  The only way the cardinal would win would be to eat all of the ants and starve an anteater to death.  Not only will that not happen, the anteater has wicked huge claws (presumably for digging for more insects that the cardinal is ill-equipped to harvest).  Cal-Irvine moves on.     

5 Northern Iowa Panthers vs 12 Wyoming Cowboys:  The only information that matters her is that from what I can tell, the Wyoming Cowboys don’t carry guns.  They carry cowboy hats and ride horses.  That’s not enough.  Panthers are the wicked cool American (OK – South American) black jaguar, and is a huge and fierce jungle cat – which puts horse riding at a disadvantage.  The panther can take its time running down and slowly devouring the cowboy.  Northern Iowa moves on.

6 Providence Friars vs 11 Boise State Broncos or Dayton Fliers:  Tough to make this call as I don’t know the winner of the play in.  A bucking bronco could be an issue for a friar.  But I’d love to see a Friar vs Flier match-up as it rolls off the tongue in pleasant fashion.  If you’re in a plane, and something goes wrong, you’d start to pray, right?  So I guess the Friars win?  Providence it is.

7 Michigan State Spartans vs 10 Georgia Bulldogs:  Fucking bulldogs again.  The only thing they have going for them is that the Spartans are above eating them on a spit after they run them through with their spears and short swords.  The Hoplites advance to round 2.

8 NC State Wolfpack vs 9 LSU Tigers:  1:1 and this goes to the tigers, hands down.  But those cagey feckers at North Carolina State skillfully and unambiguously ensured that their mascot name is a whole pack of wolves, not just a single lone wolf.  There is no Zach Galifianakis here.  Teamwork carries the day and NC State wins.

West Rd 1

1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers:  If you didn’t know (I had to look it up last year) a Chanticleer is an angry rooster.  I would actually really like to see this fight, but I’m not old enough yet.  I may never be.  In an oddly discomforting display of violence and slow motion intestine ingesting, the Badger wins.  Wisconsin on to round 2.

2 Arizona Wildcats vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers:  In the cat world (and in a few other worlds, am I right ladies?) size matters.  Texas Southern, the second of our 15 over two upsets takes out the Wildcats to move on.

3 Baylor Bears vs 14 Georgia State Panthers:  The panther is an awesome jungle cat, but simply not large enough to take on a bear.  A tiger or lion might be, but not a panther.  Don’t be ridiculous. Baylor on to Rd 2.

4 North Carolina Tarheels vs 13 Harvard Crimson:  OK, fine, I admit it.  Last year my Universal Rule #2 failed me miserably.  A Tarheel is pretty much somebody from North Carolina.  Nothing special, I admit, but I have to stick with the universal rule here.  NC moves on.  I swear if Harvard wins, next year, colors get a first round by.

5 Arkansas Razorbacks vs 12 Wofford Terriers:  A razorback, while it may be delicious, is pretty wicked in the wild and a Terrier is far from the most imposing dogs.  I’m pretty sure though, in some parts of the south, they breed dogs for hunting wild pigs.  But the Terrier isn’t that dog (fun fact – dogs used for hunting wild pigs are divided into two categories, bay dogs that locate and alarm, and catch dogs that take the bastards down.  Another fun fact is the dog I was thinking of was the Dogo Argentino – which I saw once on TV.  One last fun fact is that there is a type of dog called a Jagdterrier that is used for hunting wild pigs, but it’s just a bay dog, not a catch dog, so no dice).  Arkansas wins.

6 Xavier Musketeers vs 11 Ole Miss Rebels/BYU Cougars: The running rebel is either an old man or a bear, depending on who you believe.  I believe it’s the old man.  True story:  I was in a bar outside Dublin (Ireland, not Ohio) just last week and met some girls from Ole Miss.  OK – that has a good start, but let me be honest with you.  My wife and I were in a bar (location was true) and we met some college age girls from Ole Miss – we had a long discussion about their mascot and inherent racism, so I have inside knowledge as to what and why they believe what or who their true mascot is.  But seeing as I WAS at a bar in Ireland, I don’t remember what the details of that conversation are.  Bet you thought that story was going somewhere, didn’t you?  Anyhow – assuming it’s an old man or a cougar (a middle aged woman?) the guy with the gun wins, regardless of the inaccuracy or slow reload cycles. Xavier onto round 2.

7 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs 10 Ohio State Buckeyes:  If anything can knock all of the nuts out of a tree, it’s a Ram.  Virginal Commonwealth wins.

8 Oregon ‘Fighting’ Ducks vs 9 Oklahoma State Cowboys:  Ok – the very astute of you may recall that this matchup has occurred before, and I somehow connived a way for Oregon to win on the basis of being highly trained fighting ducks.  Well, this year I feel differently, and if it was the Wyoming Cowboys, maybe I wouldn’t, but the OK State Cowboy clearly carries a 6 shooter.  While that’s not the best weapon against a duck, I assume he’s been taking target practice in the last two years. OK State wins.

South Rd 1

1 Duke Blue Devils vs 16 North Florida Ospreys/Robert Morris Colonials:  Universal Rule #1.  Though I think Osprey’s are pretty cool.

2 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs 15 North Dakota State Bison:  Stomp-ram-stomp-snort-drool-ram-ram... that’s about all the Bulldog can do as it eventually gets the Bison’s attention and then is immediately gored to death.

3 Iowa State Cyclones vs 14 Alabama-Birmingham Blazers:  HOLY SHIT – being from Portland, I was thinking a blazer was something completely different, but it’s a fucking fire breathing dragon!  The people of Lake Town are pissing their britches! Ageon the Conqueror rides again!  What could possibly defeat a fire breathing dragon?!?  Oh yeah – a goddamn tornado.  Iowa State wins.  Anybody else and AB would be in the final 4.

4 Georgetown Hoyas vs 13 Eastern Washington Eagles:  What is it with these damn bulldogs?  How many of you are there?  You know – to be fair – if anybody would have specified that their mascot was an American bulldog and not an English bulldog, this might be a better story – but I’ve been assuming English the whole time (which jives with most pictorial evidence on line).  That being said, they are short, fat, heavy and gassy.  Not good things for an Eagle.  Bulldog somehow wins, Georgetown onto round 2.

5 Utah Utes vs 12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks:  The Ute is an American Indian, though they often use a red tailed hawk as their mascot.  A Lumberjack needs no explanation.  I have to go with the Indians on this one, even if they were peaceful, which I’m not saying they were, I’m saying I’m too lazy to look it up.  Too many different weapons against just boots, flannel and an axe (sorry, not giving the true lumberjack a chainsaw).  Utah advances.

6 So. Methodist Mustangs vs 11 UCLA Bruins:  Horse vs Bear.  UCLA advances.

7 Iowa Hawkeyes vs 10 Davidson Wildcats:  It is unclear to me if a Hawkeye is just the eyes of a hawk, or the whole hawk.  A wildcat vs hawk would be an interesting fight to watch, especially if it was a young or smallish wildcat.  But Davidson has been here before.  Experienced in fights to the death, they are.  Davidson moves on.

8 San Diego State Aztecs vs 9 St. Johns Red Storm:  I can’t even go into where my mind went when I first read ‘Red Storm’ except to say, I wisely did not Google it from my work computer.  Turns out St John mascot is a mythical Thunderbird.  That’s a bit of a stretch to go from Red Storm to Thunderbird (but to be fair, it was originally Redmen, which is referring to Native Americans, and it seems, unlike the Dan Snyder, the folks at St. Johns saw fit to be slightly less offensive and changed the name).  Anyhow – Aztecs are blood thirsty warriors, equipped to deal with any kind of storm, red or otherwise colored.  SD State wins.

ROUND 2

Midwest

1 Kentucky Wildcats vs 9 Cincinnati Bearcats: A cat that is wild vs a cat that is bear.  And also wild.  Sorry Kentucky, the perfect dream ends here.  Cincinnati onto the sweet 16.

5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 13 Valparaiso Crusaders:  This goes to heavy weaponry, the coonskin cap helps, but the rifle helps more.  Best I can tell, the Crusader has a shield.  But no sword.  For shame. West Virginia wins.

11 Texas Longhorns vs 3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish:  You should never fight a Longhorn, and you shouldn't do it without being 100% sober.  Texas wins.

7 Wichita State Shockers vs 2 Kansas Jayhawks:  Here’s where the Jay part of the Jayhawk comes into play.  As we know all Jays are notorious robbers, kind of like ravens. Taking a liking to something shiny, the Jay steals the Shockers sickle and fly’s off with it.  Un-armed and defenseless, it is only a matter of time before the hawk half of this bird hybrid takes over and picks apart the shocker.  Kansas advances.

East

1 Villanova Wildcats vs 8 NC State Wolfpack:  If there’s one thing that dogs don’t like, its cats.  And a single wildcat against a pack of wolves is just fine dining.  NC State knocks out our 2^nd 1 seed.

5 N Iowa Panthers vs 13 Cal-Irvine Anteaters:  I don’t know what an anteater tastes like, but Northern Iowa is going to find out.  Panthers move on.

6 Providence Friars vs 3 Oklahoma Sooners:  Two people, relatively un-armed, but the sooner technically has a criminal streak in him and the friar (even the jovial fat on from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves) does not.  Oklahoma wins.

7 Michigan State Spartans vs 15 Belmont Bruins:  I think King Leonidas would kill a bear.  Spears are good for that.  Michigan State advances.

West

1 Wisconsin Badgers vs OK State Cowboys:  Low on bullets after using them all to shoot that damn duck in round 1 is no way to fight a badger.  It might take a while, but the badger is able to cripple the cowboy, leaving him defenseless in rough territory.  Wisconsin wins.

5 Arkansas Razorbacks vs 4 UNC Tarheels:  If people were good at killing wild pigs, they wouldn’t use dogs to hunt them.  The razorback gores and gores and gores some more and the Tarheel bleeds out through multiple stab wounds.  Arkansas onto the sweet 16.

6 Xavier Musketeers vs 3 Baylor Bears:  Whilst reloading (which isn’t even remotely close to playing dead) the Bear takes advantage and mauls the Musketeer in typical bear fashion.  Baylor moves on.

7 VCU Rams vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers:  What can I say – easy match ups for tigers.  I don’t know if it’s considered mutton until it is cooked, but I don’t think the Tigers are gonna quibble over it.  Texas Southern wins.

South

1 Duke Blue Devils vs 8 San Diego State Aztecs:  We all know how spiritual the Aztecs were.  Spiritual enough to be scared to death by the sight of a Devil, regardless of is hue.  Duke wins.

5 Utah Utes vs 4 Georgetown Hoyas:  Indians have no use for non-hunting, lazy, stinky, farty dogs.  Utah moves on.

11 UCLA Bruins vs 3 Iowa State Cyclones:  A bear is not build to withstand a tornado.  Fierce as it may be, killing a tornado it won’t. Iowa State moves on.

10 Davidson Wildcats vs 15 North Dakota State Bison:  I feel like we’ve seen this before.  Not sure. Don’t want to check either.  Bison wins. ND State onto the sweet 16.

SWEET 16

8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 5 West Virginia Mountaineers: A rifle is usefully, but less so against a bear, especially one that is part cat.  The cat part is too fast to draw a bead on, and the bear part is too hungry not to eat a mountaineer.  Cincinnati makes the elite 8.

11 Texas Longhorns vs 2 Kentucky Jayhawks:  Can’t see a way for a Jay or a Hawk to kill a longhorn, but can’t see a way for a Longhorn to kill a hawk.  Can’t call it a draw either.  The hawk must be able to blind the longhorn until it wanders into the desert and dies of thirst.  That is the only possible outcome.  Kansas moves on.

8 NC State Wolfpack vs 5 Norther Iowa Panthers:  Really tough to kill a pack of wolves.  Not so much a single panther.  Superior numbers still carry the day as NC state wins.

3 Oklahoma Sooners vs 7 Michigan State Spartans: Unarmed land grabbing thieves get speared by the heavily armored Spartan hoplite.  No contest, Michigan State is in the Elite 8.

1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 5 Arkansas Razorbacks:  The fearsome razorback finally meets an opponent fiercer and more violent.  Its long tusks cannot find penetration in the thick skin of the badger, and badger is low slung enough to claw at the tasty pork belly from beneath.  The badger eats well tonight.  Wisconsin wins.

3 Baylor Bears vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers:  Tigers are pretty much the best the cat world has to offer.  But a bear is still likely twice the size of the tiger.  This is not a sun bear or a lazy panda.  This is a North America Brown Bear.  One of the biggest and baddest of them all.  It isn’t easy, but the bear will win this with brute strength, but leave his opponent un-devoured out of respect.  Baylor is in the Elite 8.

1 Duke Blue Devils vs 5 Utah Utes:  Again with the spiritually compromised.  The Utes would not risk fighting a battle with a devil, thus the Blue Devil Reigns supreme and Duke moves on.

3 Iowa State Cyclones vs 15 ND State Bison:  If a bear can’t survive a tornado, there isn’t much hope for a bison.  Iowa State wins.

Elite 8

8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 2 Kansas Jayhawks:  Cats eat birds.  Bearcats eat bigger birds. Its science.  Cincinnati is in the Final 4.

8 NC State Wolfpack vs 7 Michigan State Spartans: Sated from devouring three large cats already, the Wolfpack has grown sluggish and falls prey to the advanced weaponry of the Spartan.  Fur coats this winter.  Michigan State moves on.

1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 3 Baylor Bears:  A bear is tough, but a badger is tougher.  A messy ordeal, but the ruthless littler fucker won’t ever give in.  Claws and fur fly, but in the end, the Bear is just too damn big for the badger.  Baylor wins.

1 Duke Blue Devils vs 3 Iowa State Cyclones:  The Blue Devil is completely unaffected by natural forces, eventually the cyclone peters out and the Blue Devil claims victory.  Onto the Final 4 for Duke.

Final Four

8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 3 Baylor Bears: Up until now, having the attributes of both bear and cat have served Cincinnati well, however, being a hybrid, it is not as large as a normally full grown bear, but statistics indicate, it is about ¼ smaller – this is known.  In this battle, it is strength against strength, the cat like agility doesn’t matter.  The larger, full grown bear rids the world of what he considers an ungodly abomination.  Baylor is playing for the ‘ship.

7 Michigan State Spartans vs 1 Duke Blue Devils:  Also ones to worship the Gods and fear the Devils – the Spartans superior training has no value in this battle and the Blue Devils vanquish the mighty Spartans as it hesitates to bear arms against a spirit.

The ‘Ship

3 Baylor Bears vs 1 Duke Blue Devils:  The bear is raw strength and instinct, but simple minded enough that the Blue Devil can take possession of its mind and convinces it that there are raw salmon eggs in Ted Nugent’s refrigerator.   Duke wins it all.

2014 Results

For a bit of closure on the 2014 Mascot Madness - Mascot battles to the death accurately predicted 2 of 4 final 4 teams (Gator and Badgers), which was good enough to land at the 72.9 percentile of ESPN brackets.  That was a drastic improvement driven by the higher score in the later rounds as it was actually sitting in the single digit percentages after the opening weekend due to this years tremendous number of upsets.  Goes to show you that figuratively arbitrarily composing a bracket based on any general non scientific related premise works about as good or better than most of the C- and below brackets that people put effort into.

As a matter of reflection and learning, it seems that perhaps an airplane can kill a tree and survive - I wasn't sure about that to start with and went the wrong way on Dayton v Ohio State.  It is also time to revisit the philosophy on colors as mascots as the Orange (Syracuse), Crimson (Harvard) and Cardinal (Stanford) all won in the first round.  Perhaps next year all colors get a first round win regardless.  Don't know how to justify that, so we will see.

2014 Mascot Madness

Introduction:  The general premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots.  Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  Think of the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world. 

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.

1.       I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.

2.       If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.

3.       If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.

4.       Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks.  Horns, however are useful.

5.       Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.

6.       Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned.  Also - I apologize for the lack of imagery.  I am still figuring out how to ethically violate copy write laws.

SOUTH

ROUND 1

(1) Florida Gators v (16) Play In:  (1) seeds always win in the first round, and Gators are pretty ferocious.  Don't know who they will snack on, but it will be delicious.

(8) Colorado Buffaloes v (9) Pittsburg Panthers: This is our first instance of a deviation from the rules (they are really more like general guidelines) as Buffaloes are not predatory, per se, but I have a very difficult time picturing a panther taking one down - this round goes to horns and hooves.

(5) VCU Rams v (12) SF Austin Lumberjacks:  I have to assume that the lumberjack in this scenario carries an axe.  Probably double sided as well.  That's two blades of mutton chopping fury.  Lumberjacks win.

(4) UCLA Bruins v (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricanes:  A bruin is a bear, for those who are unclear.  A golden hurricane is NOT a super storm of golden showers.  Invoking rule 6 - bears have survived hurricanes before, I am certain that these Bruins survive this one.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (11) Dayton Flyers:  A buckeye is a tree. A Dayton Flyer is apparently an homage to the Wright Brothers, who are from Dayton.  In a battle of a flying plane vs a tree, in all likelihood, both die, but the tree has the best chance or growing back - so the Buckeyes win.

(3) Syracuse Orange v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  Sidebar: I was unaware until now that Syracuse changed their mascot from Orangemen to just Orange.  Apparently that happened in, like, 2004 or something.  So now instead of a battle between an Oompa Loompa and pissed off horse, I get to invoke rule number 2.  Colors lose.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (10) Stanford Cardinal:  Rinse and repeat.

(2) Kansas Jayhawks v (15) Eastern Kentucky Colonels: Here's the problem.  The aforementioned Colonel on the Eastern Kentucky logo decidedly resembles Colonel Sanders of KFC fame (coincidence that both are Kentucky?  I think not.)  Anyhow, a Jayhawk as far as I can determine is part Jay (campsite robber) and part Hawk (wicked cool bird of prey) and zero parts chicken.  So this battle doesn't go well as Colonel Sanders is not trained to batter and deep fry thieving birds of prey.  Winner: Kansas.

ROUND 2

(1) Florida Gators v (8) Colorado Buffaloes: Buffalo are tough to kill 1:1, but so are gators.  If the home team is the higher seed, then this is fight to the death takes on a swampy stage and the gator will win, if not by outright victory, then by a slow spreading infection.

(12) SF Austin Lumberjacks v (4) UCLA Bruins:  A lumberjack can kill a sheep easy enough, but taking on a bear with an axe is suicide.  Literally.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (14) W. Michigan Broncos:  A tree vs a horse.  Not sure how the tree kills the horse, but not sure how the horse could kill the tree.  I reckon the horse kicks the hell out of the tree up to the point of exhaustion and its heart explodes.

(7) New Mexico Lobos v (2) Kansas Jayhawks:  A wolf against a thieving bird of prey?  Wolf beats bird.  Easy.

ROUND 3

(1) Florida Gators v (4) UCLA Bruins:  Gator vs Bear in an epic battle - I guess I will ride the home turf advantage: Gator.

(6) Ohio State Buckeyes v (7) New Mexico Lobos:  If you've seen what my Labrador can do to the door trim in my house, you'd have no doubt about what a wolf can do to a tree.

WEST

ROUND 1

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (16) Weber State Wildcats:  Ha! If this wasn't a 1 v 16 this would be an epic battle for the ages!  However, invoke rule 1 and Arizona wins.

(8) Gonzaga Bulldogs v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys sling a six-shooter in my mind, that's 6 shots with which to grease a fat, lazy and drooling dog.  Easy pickin's.

(5) Oklahoma Sooners v (12) North Dakota St. Bison: Picture this, if you will:  Joe Sooner during his mad dash to make a land grab, likely leaving his rifle and wagon behind, crests a small hill and comes face to face with a bison, angry that his native land is being freely taken, tax free, without recompense for the former inhabitants - his fellow bison and the Native Americans.  Stomp, stomp, gore, snort, gore, and stomp some more.  Bison wins.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (13) New Mexico St Aggies:  Aztecs are known for violence and human sacrifice.  Aggies violate rule 3.  San Diego St. wins.  I'd give them two wins if I could.

(6) Baylor Bears v (11) Nebraska Cornhuskers: I will admit that I'm not sure what kind of tools that could act as weapons a cornhusker would have on their person, but I'm guessing it's not a high powered rifle or a Desert Eagle point five-oh.  Much like humans like corn fed beef, bears that make healthy choices, like corn fed huskers.

(3) Creighton Bluejays v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Non predatory animal against an angry redneck that likely hunts alligators for a living.  No contest here, the Cajuns win.

(7) Oregon Ducks v (10) BYU Cougars:  Cats eat birds.  That’s a known fact.  Cougars are very large, very athletic cats, with very sharp claws and very long teeth.  Ducks are tasty.  That is also a known fact.  Nothing gets between this cougar and his duck confit.

(2) Wisconsin Badgers v (15) American Eagles:  Eagles are huge and tough and glorious birds that are illegal to hunt.  But honey badger don't care.  Wisconsin wins.

ROUND 2

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (9) Oklahoma St. Cowboys:  Cowboys already used up a couple of bullets shooting that damn bulldog in round 1.  The wildcat is very elusive and the cowboy misses with the remaining 4 bullets leaving him unarmed and delicious.

(12) North Dakota St. Bison v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Bison are tough, but Aztecs are brutal warriors with axes and poison arrows and shit.  Aztecs get to eat buffalo steak, even if they don't have much use for the hide.

(6) Baylor Bears v (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns:  Hunting alligators with .22's is one thing.  Hunting bears is another altogether.  Baylor advances.

(10) BYU Cougars v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Disagree if you want, but Badgers are nearly indestructible.  Cougars are tough ass cats, but not the biggest or the toughest and the badger claws his way to victory.

ROUND 3

(1) Arizona Wildcats v (4) San Diego St Aztecs:  Aztecs grew up worshiping Jaguars, or something.  But a wildcat is not a Jaguar and the Aztecs have little problems with disposing of the lesser of the attack cats.

(6) Baylor Bears v (2) Wisconsin Badgers:  Tough call - the badger wins by continually stealing the bear's food and starving him to death. 

EAST

ROUND 1

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (16) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers:  This may be the most fun match up to say aloud.  Just needs rhythm.  Before I invoke rules 1 and 4 - I just want to explain that a chanticleer is essentially a proud rooster.  A cavalier has a rifle.  This would have been easy without the rules.  Virginia advances.

(8) Memphis Tigers v (9) George Washington Colonials:  I can picture a single colonial encountering a tiger and firing his single shot musket high and wide (they are notoriously inaccurate) and proceeds to initiate the 15 minute reload cycle, the tiger eats him slowly, starting at his feed, and as he continues to reload his musket, the tiger continues to progress up his calves, knees, thighs, etc. until just before his musket is reloaded, he bleeds out. 

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (12) Harvard Crimson:  Consider rule #2 invoked, but for future reference a part bear part cat creature is the thing of nightmares.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (13) Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens:  Ah - this is the opponent that the Colonels really wanted.  Too bad the Spartans will eat these hens raw (deep frying technology was in it's infancy during King Leonidas' reign.  Spartans skewer and devour the blue hens, fightin' or no.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (11) Providence Friars:  A Tarheel is a person from North Carolina (very original) and a Friar takes vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.  I think that is likely to be a victory for the North Carolinian.

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (14) North Carolina Central Eagles:  A bird is about the worst thing to be in a tornado.  Iowa St. wins.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (10) St. Josephs Hawks:  This could be a messy battle - but, I think, in the end, if a hawk is willing to stay talon-to-toe with a husky, that the canine with its superior size and fearlessness would emerge, torn and bloodied, but victorious.

(2) Villanova Wildcats v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  Here's the one that busts the bracket.  I can't in good faith argue that the smaller, weaker cat would kill the bigger stronger one, so onward with the Panthers!

ROUND 2

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (8) Memphis Tigers:  Cavaliers have rifles.  Rifles are the weapon of choice against a tiger.

(5) Cincinnati Bearcats v (4) Michigan St. Spartans:  As terrifying as a bearcat may be, nothing is as terrifying as a battle ready Spartan warrior.  The bearcat cannot defeat the shield and the Spartan emerges victorious.

(6) North Carolina Tarheels v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones:  Tornado vs dude from North Carolina.  Hmm.  Not likely to have a tornado shelter of any kind, so the Cyclone sends the Tarheel flying into oblivion.

(7) Connecticut Huskies v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  A panther would totally eat a husky.  An then wear the fur when it goes out for drinks later with his panther buddies.

ROUND 3

(1) Virginia Cavaliers v (4) Michigan St. Spartans: HA! A rifle is useful, but not against an armored Spartan! This battle rapidly devolved into hand to hand combat, at which the Spartan excels and spears the cavaliers (hey, that rhymes).

(3) Iowa St. Cyclones v (15) Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers:  The panther, not being a burrowing animal, and generally one to hide in trees has no recourse when the winds of Iowa St. come calling.

NORTH

ROUND 1

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (16) Play In:  Rule 1.

(8) Kentucky Wildcats v (9) Kansas St Wildcats:  Wow.  An 8 vs a 9, and a wildcat vs a wildcat... I am flipping a coin.  A safety buck to be precise....  It came up 'safety buck.'  That didn't help.  Um, yes, the wildcats win!!! I will go ahead and pick the lower seed, I suppose, with the intent on them losing the next round by default.

(5) St. Louis Billikens v (12) NC State/Xavier:  This division is tough to call!  A billiken is a fat charm doll, which is a ridiculously lame mascot.  But I don't know who it is against.  Either the wolf pack of NC state or Musketeers of Xavier?  Doesn't matter.  I’m taking the field on this.

(4) Louisville Cardinals v (13) Manhattan Jaspers:  I was hoping that a Jasper was a Jasper Daniels and that whiskey would kill the cardinals.  It's not.  It is apparently a guy that died, but kind of invented the 7th inning stretch.  But this isn't baseball, its basketball.  Well, actually, it’s a mascot battle to the death, and since Jasper is already dead, somehow the cardinals win, which I suppose is in alignment with rule #5.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (11) Iowa/Tennessee: Minutemen are military trained and ready at a moment's notice.  That’s a bit better than either a Hawkeye or a 'Volunteer'.  Massachusetts it is.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (14) Mercer Bears:  So there aren't really any rules governing the supernatural.  It is known that on the color scale of devils, Blue is near the top.  Not quite as high as a red devil, but certainly higher than the lesser imps and demons of the yellows and browns.  In this instance a high ranking demon will easily thwart a bear in a battle to the death.

(7) Texas Longhorns v (10) Arizona St. Sun Devils:  Supernatural battle number 2!  How cool is this division!  In order to be clear, the weather related devils are a completely different subspecies of demon than the color scaled devils, but can be equally robust and terrifying.  The Sun Devil happens to land somewhere in the middle of the weather devils, less powerful than wind devils, but more powerful than ice and rain devils (and needless to say, INFINITELY more powerful than dust and dirt devils).  But a longhorn is just an angry cow, easily manipulated by the conniving dealings of a tricky sun devil.

(2) Michigan Wolverines v (15) Wofford Terriers:  I like dogs, so I will close my eyes for this.

ROUND 2

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (8) Kentucky Wildcats: A shocker is a wheat harvester, a human, not the machine, which would have been pretty messy for a wildcat.  However, this wildcat is barely alive having fought near to death against a wildcat almost his equal in round one, so the shocker pretty much just hits it with a shovel or a rake or a scythe or whatever they use.  A scythe would be cool.

(12) NC State/Xavier v (4) Louisville Cardinals:  Still don't know who the opponent is, but the field takes it again over the battle inadequacy of cardinals.

(6) Massachusetts Minutemen v (3) Duke Blue Devils:  High level demon vs revolutionary soldier?  Demon reacts in less than a minute and the minuteman is DOA.

(10) Arizona St. Sun Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  You sneaky sun devil - you can't trick a wolverine, they are too single minded in purpose and viciousness to be waylaid.  The wolverine eats the sun devils previously bartered for souls.

ROUND 3

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (12) NC State/Xavier:  At this point, not knowing what the field is, I have to default to the shockers winning again.

(3) Duke Blue Devils v (2) Michigan Wolverines:  Turns out that Blue Devils are a little sneaker than Sun Devils and had poisoned the previously consumed Sun Devil.  The sick and weakened wolverine eventually passes away due to exhaustion whilst still snapping his jaws at his hated enemy.

ELITE 8!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (7) New Mexico Lobos - Gator beats wolf, easily, although canine is slightly less tasty than the bear in Rd 3.

(4) San Diego St Aztecs v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - Living in the jungle in no way prepares the Aztec for a battle with a grizzled badger.  The badger eats his intestines only.

(4) Michigan St. Spartans v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - In a battle between rules 5 and 6 - I have to go with the natural disaster.  I don't think the Spartan is aware of a tornado or what the expected response would be.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Duke Blue Devils - Fey trickery!  You'd think the blue devil would have something up his sleeve, but the close proximity of Wichita to the Bible Belt trumps his evil powers with the Lords wrath!!!

FINAL 4!!!

(1) Florida Gators v (2) Wisconsin Badgers - The badger is one tough sum'bitch, but I just don't see it's smallish teeth and claws getting purchase in the gators tough hide.  And I can't vouch for his ability to swim.  The Gator drowns, then swallows the badger whole.

(1) Wichita St. Shockers v (3) Iowa St. Cyclones - If anybody is prepared to withstand a tornado, it the folks in Kansas.  Somewhere over the rainbow is a showdown with an Alligator.

And the WINNER IS: 

Florida.  A bit anticlimactic, I'll agree.  But how would wheat harvesting in Kansas possibly prepare you to kill an alligator in battle?