2016 Mascot Madness!!!

The premise is that the winner of each matchup will be decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's mascots. 

Since it is not always obvious to the layman (you) who has the advantage in battle, I must put forth the following addendum:

Naturally, since this is my idea, all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are thus infallible.  To paraphrase the movie Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong would bring about the end of existence.  Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world.

As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules (well, they are really more guidelines than rules) that may be beneficial to the reader to internalize ahead of time.  As this is my world, I will wield these guidelines on my whim – which is to say, if, in fact, I choose a color to somehow win a battle (not that I’m still reeling from 2014’s rainbow invasion in the first round) and that violates a ‘guideline’ then tough sprinkles – see the addendum above.

1.       I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds.  Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.

2.       If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.

3.       If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.

4.       Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks and bulldogs.  Horns, however are useful.

5.       Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution.  If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.

6.       Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory.  If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its own ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.

With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned. 

South

1 Kansas Jayhawks v 16 Austin Peay Governors:  See universal rule #1.  Also Governor = politician.  I would find a way to make sure he died.  Kansas wins.

8 Colorado Buffaloes v 9 UConn Huskies:  The sheer size and orneriness of the bison is overwhelming to the husky.  Superior long distance capability does no good when you get stepped on and gored by a ton of angry snorting bull.  Colorado moves on.

5 Maryland Terrapins v 12 S Dakota State Jackrabbits:  We've known how this one went since child hood.  Slow and steady wins this race.  Maryland moves on. 

4 Cal Bears v 13 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors:   Hmmm.  Bears.

6 Arizona Wildcats v 11 Vandy/Wichita Commodores/Shockers:  Well, this is a bit of a pickle. Shockers have cool wheat harvesting tools that might be effective.  A commodore could, conceivably, be commanding a naval vessel which would have a whole lot of firepower.  Gonna roll the dice and opt with the play-in winner, whomever that may be.

3 Miami Hurricanes v 12 Buffalo Bulls:  Tough one, but a bull is really just a cow, and I'm pretty sure that cows don't fair to well in a Hurricane.  I saw a movie once of a cow being flung across the countryside by a tornado, the younger, wussier cousin of a hurricane.  Miami moves on.

7 Iowa Hawkeyes v 10 Temple Owls:  This is surprisingly difficult as it doesn't seem that anybody really knows what a hawkeye is, and definitely, definitely do NOT consult Urban Dictionary.... dont do it.... don't.  OK, you checked, didn't you?  So there is that.... so, Owls, I guess?

2 Villanova Wildcats vs 15 UNC Ashville Bulldogs:  Predator v prey, predator wins.  I got no time for bulldogs in this fight.  'Nova moves on.

East

1 UNC Tarheels v 16 FGSU/FDU Eagles/Knights:  Rule #1.

8 USC Trojans v 9 Providence Friars:  Ancient warrior vs stereotypically fat beer guzzling clergyman?  USC moves on.

5 Indiana Hoosiers v 12 Chattanooga Mocs: Good to know that a Moc is a Mockingbird. Harper Lee would be aghast, as the Hoosiers (some sort of settler, from what I can gather) are willing to kill a mockingbird.  Indiana advances.

4 Kentucky Wildcats v 13 Stony Brook Seawolves:  This is interesting - the Seawolf is a mythical creature thought to bring good luck, or so the folks from Stony Brook (doesn't that sound like it should be a retirement community?) would have you believe.  I think it's just an angry seal.  That would give the wildcat the distinct advantage, because seal blubber is delicious.  Kentucky wins.

6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish v 11 Michigan/Tulsa Wolverines/Golden Hurricanes:  This is tough - the play in games make this so difficult.  We have late night bar brawlers vs an angry weasel (epically aggressive and angry, I might add) and a natural disaster.  Gonna lean toward the play ins on this one.

3 West Virginia Mountaineers v 13 SF Austin Lumberjacks: The way I see it, a mountaineer is a lumberjack with a shotgun and some tracking skills.  That makes this a no brainer.  Better weaponry and experience in the woods?  WV all day.

7 Wisconsin Badgers v 10 Pitt Panthers:  Badger v Panther could get messy, but if you've read any of the past posts, you understand that the Badger almost always gets the benefit of the doubt.  Go watch the honey badger clip on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg).  Wisconsin wins.

2 Xavier Musketeers v 15 Weber State Wildcats:  Target practice.  Xavier wins.

West

1 Oregon Fighting Ducks v 16 HC/Southern Crusaders/Jaguars:  Thank goodness for universal rule #1.

8 Saint Joes Hawks v 9 Cincinnati Bearcats:  By know you know that the idea of a bearcat should leave you shivering in a puddle of you own making, and it would be no different for a hawk.  Cincinnati it is.

5 Baylor Bears v 12 Yale Bulldogs:  Not a good year to be a bulldog.  And the Bears are just coming out of hibernation and are hungry.  Baylor eats Yale with a side of berries.

4 Duke Blue Devils v 13 UNC Wilmington Seahawks:  Now we are talking.  In general I am a huge Seahawks fan.  But that's the REAL Seahawks, the ones from Seattle, not the east coast!  The exploits of the Blue Devil are well chronicled and this is but another chapter.  The Blue ones bedevil the Seahawks and they dive into the ocean, never to resurface.

6 Texas Longhorns v 11 Northern Iowa Panthers:  Long angry horns bolted to 2000 lbs of fury will gore and score against a jungle cat.  Way to go Texas.

3 Texas A&M Aggies v 14 Green Bay Phoenix:  WTF?  Aggies Suck!  But a Phoenix is known to rise from its own ashes, implying that it must be easy to kill, or at least die once?  I guess A&M wins?

7 Oregon State Beavers v 10 VCU Rams:  Ram smash beaver.  Beaver flat.  Locals I work with

unhappy.  VCU advances.

2 Oklahoma Sooners v CSU Bakersfield Roadrunners:  A prematurely land-grabbing human against, what is in reality a stupid little bird.  Don't let Wile E. Coyote's fictionalized failures fool you.  The Sooners are roasting Roadrunner hors d'oeuvres on a moonless prairie night.

Midwest

1 UVA Cavaliers v 16 Hampton Pirates:  See rule #1.

8 Texas Tech Red Raiders v 9 Butler Bulldogs: In the world of Raiders, the Reds are known to be of the highest class.  In the world of dogs.... well, I know it seems I'm picking on Bulldogs, but geez, if you wanted a fearsome canine, how about a wolf or a Doberman?  Red is all that the Raiders leave behind, TT advances.

5 Purdue Boilermakers v 12 AR- Littlerock Trojans:  I gotta give this one to Hector and crew as I don't see a 'boilermaker' whatever that may be defeating a trained soldier, even one from 2000 years ago.

4 Iowa State Cyclones v 13 Iona Gaels:  Another Irishman (or at least a Gaelic person) against a natural disaster.  While adept at functioning with 'the spins' an actual tornado is a whole 'nother problem.  Iowa State wins in devastating fashion.

6 Seton Hall Pirates v 11 Gonzaga Bulldogs:  Odds are a Bulldog will win eventually.  But against a pirate?  With a blunderbuss?  Not this time.

3 Utah Utes v 14 Fresno State bulldogs:  Slightly less powerful than a blunderbuss would be the ancestral weapons of the Utes.  Less powerful, maybe, but most likely wielded with more skill and precision.  That leaves the last in a litter of bulldogs lying in ruin, a pin cushion of arrows.

7 Dayton Flyers v 10 Syracuse Orange:  I found out that a plane can kill a tree once.  My guess it can kill a stupid color as well.

2 Michigan State Spartans v Mid Tennessee Blue Raiders:  As we've established, the Red Raider is the pinnacle of raiding.  The Blue Raider is in a completely inferior class.  The Spartan is the pinnacle of ancient warriors.  I'd take a Spartan over most raiders, especially the blue kind.

Wow - tough year to be a bulldog.  0-5 in the first round.  Yikes.

ROUND 2

Kansas v Colorado:  Jayhawk vs Bison?  That unfortunate for our first #1 seed - a bird that is half Jay half hawk.  Hmm.  That essentially a raven.  Raven v Bison?  The raven would likely be smart and quick enough to avoid the bison for a loooong time, but, I see no way for it to incapacitate or kill the bison, even if given an eternity, whereas the  bison could easily step on the bird.  Kansas falls.

Maryland v Cal:  I don't know if bears have ever had turtle soup or not.  I don't know what was in the porridge that Goldilocks stole.  But I'm willing to bet their jaws are strong enough to break through a sea turtle shell.  Or at least rip off its fins and legs.  Advantage:  Cal.

Vandy/Wichita v Miami:  I think the natural disaster has the advantage here, whomever it is against.  You don’t want to be on a boat during a hurricane, and there is nowhere to hide in the wheat fields of Kansas.  Miami moves on.

Temple v 'Nova: An owl against a wildcat, now that is slightly interesting, but even the heaviest of owls (native to the USA that is) is only around, like, 5 lbs (and we don't know for certain that the Temple owl is a 'great horned owl,' as it could very easily be a pygmy owl), I think the wildcats would have a distinct advantage.

UNC v USC:  A Tarheel, somebody from North Carolina vs a Trojan.  I want to go with the warrior, but the state constitution protects the right to bear arms, so I'd ask thee - a Trojan (sword, shield, possibly bow and arrow if you are that pissy little cry baby, Paris) against a dude with a modern gun?  I take firepower.  UNC wins the battle of middle initials.

Indiana v Kentucky: Classic match up - a person from Indiana vs a wild cat?  I think the logic in the UNC v USC bout applies here as well?  Except it's shooting a cat.  I'm allergic to cats. I'm OK with that.  Indiana it is.

Michigan/Tulsa v West Virginia: If anybody can survive a hurricane, it’s a mountaineer.  Not to mention most hurricanes don't happen in the mountains.  And if anybody knows how to shoot a wolverine, it is also a mountaineer.  WV moves on.

Wisconsin v Xavier:  Badger vs Musketeer.  The Musketeer is probably still re-loading while the badger chews his arm off and scurries away into a little hole with his bloody prize while the musketeer cannot reload with one arm and he slowly bleeds out from the remaining stump...bloody stump.  Yikes.

Oregon v Cincinnati:  A duck, well, a fighting duck, but I checked, and it doesn't have a sword or anything cool like that, against a urine inducing bear-cat amalgam?  Roast duck is on the menu in the bear cat kitchen.

Baylor v Duke:  The blue devil may be tricky, but a bear just doesn't care, not this bear anyhow.  This bear learned its lesson from last year's trickery.  The bear treats the blue devil like prey and mauls it.  It didn't taste very good, so it didn't eat the whole thing, but enough.  It ate just enough.

Texas v A&M:  Universal rule #3.  Texas, the University of, that is, advances.

VCU v Oklahoma:  Ram vs Sooner?  I think the human has the advantage.  Farmers and ranchers alike enjoy mutton.  Oklahoma wins. 

UVA v Texas Tech:  A cavalier vs a raider?  Is there anything better designed to thwart even the highest order of raiders than a trained soldier with swords?  Probably a trained soldier with guns.  But no matter.  Cavaliers were supporters of the crown during the English civil war, so my guess is they have training in dealing with riff raff, but that war didn't work out so well for the crown, so maybe they weren't any good.  Still tough to see a common (al be it elite) raider claiming victory over a soldier. UVA holds off the threat.

AR - Little Rock v Iowa State:  Trojan vs Tornado?  As much as I appreciate their battle tested expertise in combat, the ancient Greeks haven't been so great at dealing with natural disasters, and a tornado is not a far reach from all the shit Poseidon threw at Odysseus.  And most of his crew died.  Iowa State moves on.

Seton Hall v Utah:  Great matchup - a Pirate vs a Ute.  Much like the musketeer, slow reloads of pirate weapons cost dearly to the cool killing efficiency of Native American weaponry.  Utah wins.

Dayton v Michigan State: A plane against a Spartan?  Pretty sure the Spartan would just avoid getting crashed into, and then hack the living shit out of the remaining corpse of the plane and pilot.  State wins.

SWEET 16

Colorado v Cal:  Bear v Bison - what a terrific battle.  Bison has size and horns, bear has teeth, claws and athleticism.  Gotta give this one to the natural predator, but not by much.  Cal advances.

Miami v Nova:  Wildcats aren't exactly known for their fortitude in the face of a hurricane, so I think Miami keeps storming.

UNC v Indiana:  Well shit.  A battle of two names for native (well, technically not true natives) peoples.  So what do we do?  Who's tougher?  A North Carolinian or an Indianan?  Hmmm.  NC was one of the original 13 colonies that helped kick British ass.  I guess that’s as good a tiebreaker as I'm gonna get.

WV v Wisconsin:  Mountaineer vs Badger.  Man with gun will probably win.  Sorry badgers.

Cincinnati v Baylor:  Here's the thing about a bear cat - while it is an awesome combination, it is weaker than a full bear, and not as fast as a full cat.  Thus a pure bear has a strength and size advantage, and would ultimately win, though not without taking a few licks.

Texas v Oklahoma:  Longhorn v Sooner, cattle vs pioneer?  Gotta take the guy with the rifle who likes beefsteak.

UVA v Iowa St: Cavalier vs a Cyclone?  Even in Virginia, I'd think that they'd have the common sense to seek shelter until a storm blows over.  The Cavalier hides to fight another day.

Utah v Mich St:  Ute v Spartan.... another epic battle, but unlike a pirate, a Spartan is trained for war from birth, and maintains strict battlefield discipline.  Better metal and protective shielding and training win the day for State.

Elite 8

Cal v Miami - if there is a non-human mammal that would outlast a hurricane, I'd have to assume it would be the one that weighs 1000 lbs. and has often resides in a cave.  On goes Cal.

UNC v West Virginia - This isn't just any old West Virginian, this is a man with a gun that can live of the fatta tha lan.'  A tough old mountain rough son of a bitch, certainly no match for the common tar heel.  UNC goes down!

Baylor v Oklahoma - a Bear is not cattle, but these Sooners have proven to be tough, industrious, and surprisingly well-armed.  It doesn't always go this way, but a lucky shot here and the bear goes down.

UVA v Michigan State - British steel from the 1600's vs Greek steel and fortitude from 2000 years ago.  I think the likelihood that the cavaliers is packing a musket or two gives them a distinct advantage.  UVA advances.

Final 4

Cal v Oklahoma:  The sooner shoots the bear.  It's lucky, but hey, if it works on Oregon Trail, then it should work for the tourney, right?

WV v UVA:  Both people, both with weapons, one probably has newer guns, but the other is a soldier.  Sometimes it just comes down to the being the best dressed in order to go to the big dance.  The Mountaineers just aren't as dashing as the Cavaliers. 

The 'Ship 

Sooner vs Cavalier!  IDK - not the match up I was imagining, but what can you do?  I can't get over the logos.  There's some cool swords on UVA's and nothing on Oklahoma's.  Gonna give this one to the Cavaliers.