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The premise is that the winner of each matchup will be
decided by a theoretical battle to the death between the two team's
mascots.
Since it is not always obvious to the layman (you) who has
the advantage in battle, I must put forth the following addendum:
Naturally, since this is my idea,
all to rules that I use to make said declarations are of my own device and are
thus infallible. To paraphrase the movie
Dogma - God created the world, thus God is infallible, and to prove God wrong
would bring about the end of existence.
Andy created the Mascot Madness, thus in the Mascot Madness world, He is
infallible and to question his judgment will bring about the end of the world.
As a bit of a precursor, I have a few standing rules (well,
they are really more guidelines than rules) that may be beneficial to the
reader to internalize ahead of time. As
this is my world, I will wield these guidelines on my whim – which is to say,
if, in fact, I choose a color to somehow win a battle (not that I’m still
reeling from 2014’s rainbow invasion in the first round) and that violates a
‘guideline’ then tough sprinkles – see the addendum above.
- I will always find that the (1) seeds will defeat the (16) seeds. Why? Because I want the bracket to have some semblance of potential, if not even mediocre success against the actual games.
- If your mascot is a color or a smell or some other idiotic organic free love inspired construction, you will likely die in the first round.
- If your mascot is an Aggie you had better hope your opponent's mascot is even more worthless, or you will likely die in the first round.
- Predatory animals like alligators, bears and tigers tend to kill non predatory animals like cardinals (the bird, not the douchey color) and ducks. Horns, however are useful.
- Human mascots do not always win automatically based primarily on evolution. If humans battle, whichever one has the better training or bigger gun usually wins.
- Natural disasters are not guaranteed a victory. If the mascot has a fair chance of surviving a natural disaster to its ultimate demise, then it may be victorious.
With that said, the introduction was rated PG, I cannot
guarantee that reading further will not encounter more adult language and
themes, and thus the reader should be forewarned.
Midwest Rd 1
1 Kentucky Wildcats vs 16 Hampton University Pirates: Gladly invoke universal rule #1 here, as
without it the Pirates would be picking blunderbuss pellets out of their other,
other, other white meat dinner. Kentucky
wins.
2 Kansas Jayhawks vs 15 New Mexico State Aggies: Universal Rule #3. The Jayhawks will need to wait another round
to flex their thieving bird of prey hybrid muscles. Kansas moves on.
3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs 14 Northeastern Huskies: This really hinges on the interpretation of
Huskies. Is it an entire sled dog
team? Is it all of the Irish, either
drunk or sober? I think for the sake of
simplicity, it must be a single husky against a single drunk Irishman. Granted the extra numbers would make a
difference either way, in 1:1 combat, the man with the broken bottles in his
hands has the advantage. Notre Dame
wins.
4 Maryland Terrapins vs 13 Valparaiso Crusaders: OK, I kid
you not. I actually googled ‘what is a
Terrapin’ even though I knew it was a turtle of some kind. But I wanted some background info on its
fighting skill, training regimen, nutritional regiment, you know, the standard
stuff for this kind of thing... Anyhow the VERY first definition is ‘a small
edible turtle.’ Go ahead, check if you
want. I got all day. So do the Crusaders (in all honesty, I still
don’t know which crusaders these may be, so I will need to google that later,
but I’m reasonably sure that they weren’t crusaders that failed in their quest
to rid the land of small delicious reptiles).
Valparaiso claims the victory.
5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 12 Buffalo Bulls: On the surface, the Bull on the Buffalo logo
looks pretty menacing, but if the Mountaineer Mascot is to be believed, not
only do they carry a rifle and don a
‘coon –skin cap, but, get this... THEY WEAR LEATHER CLOTHES ... and leather
comes from... you got it. There is
nothing as intimidating as going into battle to find your opponent is wearing
your brother’s skin. Of course, it could
be deer skin, but I don’t think the Bulls know the difference. West Virginia moves to Rd2.
6 Butler Bulldogs vs 11 Texas Longhorns: For years now this damn bulldog has been
confounding my brackets. Horns are
helpful. You heard as much in rule #4,
and the Texas long horn has a pretty ornery disposition to go with them. Texas wins.
7 Wichita St Shockers vs 10 Indian Hoosiers: Shocker: that’s essentially a man (or woman,
jeez – relax) who harvests wheat. A
Hoosier is essentially a person from Indiana. I don’t know what kind of
inherent fighting ability that one from Indiana would have, but I assume, well,
none. A shocker on the other hand most probably
carries a tool that is likely to be used in every teenage horror movie from
Scream to I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Weapons advantage: Wichita State
moves on.
8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 9 Purdue Boilermakers: A person that constructs boilers might be on
the tougher side of things, hardworking, robust, and useful with his (or
‘her’... jeez, let it go already) hands.
But against an absolutely terrifying hybrid BEAR with CAT-like
agility? Not. A.
Chance. Cincinnati wins.
East Rd 1
1 Villanova Wildcats vs 16 Lafayette Leopards: Another fortunate application of Universal
Rule #1, as a Leopard would destroy a wild cat (which I take to be a bobcat, or
maybe a lynx). ‘Nova moves to round 2.
2 Virginia Cavaliers vs 15 Belmont Bruins: Dang.
I really wish Cavaliers were better equipped. Swords.
Really. You cannot take on a bear
with swords. Even if I was willing to
throw in an advantage for being mounted, I think the Bruin still wins. Dang.
Belmont on to Rd 2.
3 Oklahoma Sooners vs 14 Albany Great Danes: Interesting matchup here. Great Danes are all but worthless as far as
oversized canines go. If this was a
competition for eating, sleeping, farting or sleep farting – they might have an
advantage. As is, the Sooner just needs
to find a way to wait for, like, the 15 minute lifespan that is expected of
Great Danes (which is not an easy task for a Sooner) and I think they can do
it. Oklahoma is OK to move on.
4 Louisville Cardinals vs 13 Cal-Irvine Anteaters: A cardinal isn’t even a bird of prey. It doesn't even have camouflage. It eats
insect’s fruit and seeds. Anteaters also
eat insects, isn't that cool? The only
way the cardinal would win would be to eat all of the ants and starve an
anteater to death. Not only will that
not happen, the anteater has wicked huge claws (presumably for digging for more
insects that the cardinal is ill-equipped to harvest). Cal-Irvine moves on.
5 Northern Iowa Panthers vs 12 Wyoming Cowboys: The only information that matters her is that
from what I can tell, the Wyoming Cowboys don’t carry guns. They carry cowboy hats and ride horses. That’s not enough. Panthers are the wicked cool American (OK –
South American) black jaguar, and is a huge and fierce jungle cat – which puts
horse riding at a disadvantage. The
panther can take its time running down and slowly devouring the cowboy. Northern Iowa moves on.
6 Providence Friars vs 11 Boise State Broncos or Dayton
Fliers: Tough to make this call as I
don’t know the winner of the play in. A
bucking bronco could be an issue for a friar.
But I’d love to see a Friar vs Flier match-up as it rolls off the tongue
in pleasant fashion. If you’re in a
plane, and something goes wrong, you’d start to pray, right? So I guess the Friars win? Providence it is.
7 Michigan State Spartans vs 10 Georgia Bulldogs: Fucking bulldogs again. The only thing they have going for them is
that the Spartans are above eating them on a spit after they run them through
with their spears and short swords. The
Hoplites advance to round 2.
8 NC State Wolfpack vs 9 LSU Tigers: 1:1 and this goes to the tigers, hands
down. But those cagey feckers at North
Carolina State skillfully and unambiguously ensured that their mascot name is a
whole pack of wolves, not just a single lone wolf. There is no Zach Galifianakis here. Teamwork carries the day and NC State wins.
West Rd 1
1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers: If you didn’t know (I had to look it up last
year) a Chanticleer is an angry rooster.
I would actually really like to see this fight, but I’m not old enough
yet. I may never be. In an oddly discomforting display of violence
and slow motion intestine ingesting, the Badger wins. Wisconsin on to round 2.
2 Arizona Wildcats vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers: In the cat world (and in a few other worlds,
am I right ladies?) size matters. Texas
Southern, the second of our 15 over two upsets takes out the Wildcats to move
on.
3 Baylor Bears vs 14 Georgia State Panthers: The panther is an awesome jungle cat, but
simply not large enough to take on a bear.
A tiger or lion might be, but not a panther. Don’t be ridiculous. Baylor on to Rd 2.
4 North Carolina Tarheels vs 13 Harvard Crimson: OK, fine, I admit it. Last year my Universal Rule #2 failed me
miserably. A Tarheel is pretty much
somebody from North Carolina. Nothing
special, I admit, but I have to stick with the universal rule here. NC moves on.
I swear if Harvard wins, next year, colors get a first round by.
5 Arkansas Razorbacks vs 12 Wofford Terriers: A razorback, while it may be delicious, is
pretty wicked in the wild and a Terrier is far from the most imposing
dogs. I’m pretty sure though, in some
parts of the south, they breed dogs for hunting wild pigs. But the Terrier isn’t that dog (fun fact –
dogs used for hunting wild pigs are divided into two categories, bay dogs that
locate and alarm, and catch dogs that take the bastards down. Another fun fact is the dog I was thinking of
was the Dogo Argentino – which I saw once on TV. One last fun fact is that there is a type of
dog called a Jagdterrier that is used for hunting wild pigs, but it’s just a
bay dog, not a catch dog, so no dice).
Arkansas wins.
6 Xavier Musketeers vs 11 Ole Miss Rebels/BYU Cougars: The
running rebel is either an old man or a bear, depending on who you
believe. I believe it’s the old
man. True story: I was in a bar outside Dublin (Ireland, not
Ohio) just last week and met some girls from Ole Miss. OK – that has a good start, but let me be
honest with you. My wife and I were in a
bar (location was true) and we met some college age girls from Ole Miss – we
had a long discussion about their mascot and inherent racism, so I have inside
knowledge as to what and why they believe what or who their true mascot
is. But seeing as I WAS at a bar in
Ireland, I don’t remember what the details of that conversation are. Bet you thought that story was going
somewhere, didn’t you? Anyhow – assuming
it’s an old man or a cougar (a middle aged woman?) the guy with the gun wins,
regardless of the inaccuracy or slow reload cycles. Xavier onto round 2.
7 Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs 10 Ohio State Buckeyes: If anything can knock all of the nuts out of
a tree, it’s a Ram. Virginal
Commonwealth wins.
8 Oregon ‘Fighting’ Ducks vs 9 Oklahoma State Cowboys: Ok – the very astute of you may recall that
this matchup has occurred before, and I somehow connived a way for Oregon to
win on the basis of being highly trained fighting ducks. Well, this year I feel differently, and if it
was the Wyoming Cowboys, maybe I wouldn’t, but the OK State Cowboy clearly
carries a 6 shooter. While that’s not
the best weapon against a duck, I assume he’s been taking target practice in
the last two years. OK State wins.
South Rd 1
1 Duke Blue Devils vs 16 North Florida Ospreys/Robert Morris
Colonials: Universal Rule #1. Though I think Osprey’s are pretty cool.
2 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs 15 North Dakota State Bison: Stomp-ram-stomp-snort-drool-ram-ram... that’s
about all the Bulldog can do as it eventually gets the Bison’s attention and
then is immediately gored to death.
3 Iowa State Cyclones vs 14 Alabama-Birmingham Blazers: HOLY SHIT – being from Portland, I was
thinking a blazer was something completely different, but it’s a fucking fire
breathing dragon! The people of Lake
Town are pissing their britches! Ageon the Conqueror rides again! What could possibly defeat a fire breathing
dragon?!? Oh yeah – a goddamn
tornado. Iowa State wins. Anybody else and AB would be in the final 4.
4 Georgetown Hoyas vs 13 Eastern Washington Eagles: What is it with these damn bulldogs? How many of you are there? You know – to be fair – if anybody would have
specified that their mascot was an American bulldog and not an English bulldog,
this might be a better story – but I’ve been assuming English the whole time
(which jives with most pictorial evidence on line). That being said, they are short, fat, heavy
and gassy. Not good things for an
Eagle. Bulldog somehow wins, Georgetown
onto round 2.
5 Utah Utes vs 12 Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks: The Ute is an American Indian, though they
often use a red tailed hawk as their mascot.
A Lumberjack needs no explanation.
I have to go with the Indians on this one, even if they were peaceful,
which I’m not saying they were, I’m saying I’m too lazy to look it up. Too many different weapons against just
boots, flannel and an axe (sorry, not giving the true lumberjack a
chainsaw). Utah advances.
6 So. Methodist Mustangs vs 11 UCLA Bruins: Horse vs Bear. UCLA advances.
7 Iowa Hawkeyes vs 10 Davidson Wildcats: It is unclear to me if a Hawkeye is just the
eyes of a hawk, or the whole hawk. A
wildcat vs hawk would be an interesting fight to watch, especially if it was a
young or smallish wildcat. But Davidson
has been here before. Experienced in
fights to the death, they are. Davidson
moves on.
8 San Diego State Aztecs vs 9 St. Johns Red Storm: I can’t even go into where my mind went when
I first read ‘Red Storm’ except to say, I wisely did not Google it from my work
computer. Turns out St John mascot is a
mythical Thunderbird. That’s a bit of a
stretch to go from Red Storm to Thunderbird (but to be fair, it was originally
Redmen, which is referring to Native Americans, and it seems, unlike the Dan
Snyder, the folks at St. Johns saw fit to be slightly less offensive and
changed the name). Anyhow – Aztecs are
blood thirsty warriors, equipped to deal with any kind of storm, red or
otherwise colored. SD State wins.
ROUND 2
Midwest
1 Kentucky Wildcats vs 9 Cincinnati Bearcats: A cat that is
wild vs a cat that is bear. And also
wild. Sorry Kentucky, the perfect dream
ends here. Cincinnati onto the sweet 16.
5 West Virginia Mountaineers vs 13 Valparaiso Crusaders: This goes to heavy weaponry, the coonskin cap
helps, but the rifle helps more. Best I
can tell, the Crusader has a shield. But
no sword. For shame. West Virginia wins.
11 Texas Longhorns vs 3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish: You should never fight a Longhorn, and you
shouldn't do it without being 100% sober.
Texas wins.
7 Wichita State Shockers vs 2 Kansas Jayhawks: Here’s where the Jay part of the Jayhawk
comes into play. As we know all Jays are
notorious robbers, kind of like ravens. Taking a liking to something shiny, the
Jay steals the Shockers sickle and fly’s off with it. Un-armed and defenseless, it is only a matter
of time before the hawk half of this bird hybrid takes over and picks apart the
shocker. Kansas advances.
East
1 Villanova Wildcats vs 8 NC State Wolfpack: If there’s one thing that dogs don’t like,
its cats. And a single wildcat against a
pack of wolves is just fine dining. NC
State knocks out our 2nd 1 seed.
5 N Iowa Panthers vs 13 Cal-Irvine Anteaters: I don’t know what an anteater tastes like,
but Northern Iowa is going to find out.
Panthers move on.
6 Providence Friars vs 3 Oklahoma Sooners: Two people, relatively un-armed, but the
sooner technically has a criminal streak in him and the friar (even the jovial
fat on from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves) does not. Oklahoma wins.
7 Michigan State Spartans vs 15 Belmont Bruins: I think King Leonidas would kill a bear. Spears are good for that. Michigan State advances.
West
1 Wisconsin Badgers vs OK State Cowboys: Low on bullets after using them all to shoot
that damn duck in round 1 is no way to fight a badger. It might take a while, but the badger is able
to cripple the cowboy, leaving him defenseless in rough territory. Wisconsin wins.
5 Arkansas Razorbacks vs 4 UNC Tarheels: If people were good at killing wild pigs,
they wouldn’t use dogs to hunt them. The
razorback gores and gores and gores some more and the Tarheel bleeds out
through multiple stab wounds. Arkansas
onto the sweet 16.
6 Xavier Musketeers vs 3 Baylor Bears: Whilst reloading (which isn’t even remotely
close to playing dead) the Bear takes advantage and mauls the Musketeer in
typical bear fashion. Baylor moves on.
7 VCU Rams vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers: What can I say – easy match ups for
tigers. I don’t know if it’s considered
mutton until it is cooked, but I don’t think the Tigers are gonna quibble over
it. Texas Southern wins.
South
1 Duke Blue Devils vs 8 San Diego State Aztecs: We all know how spiritual the Aztecs
were. Spiritual enough to be scared to
death by the sight of a Devil, regardless of is hue. Duke wins.
5 Utah Utes vs 4 Georgetown Hoyas: Indians have no use for non-hunting, lazy,
stinky, farty dogs. Utah moves on.
11 UCLA Bruins vs 3 Iowa State Cyclones: A bear is not build to withstand a
tornado. Fierce as it may be, killing a
tornado it won’t. Iowa State moves on.
10 Davidson Wildcats vs 15 North Dakota State Bison: I feel like we’ve seen this before. Not sure. Don’t want to check either. Bison wins. ND State onto the sweet 16.
SWEET 16
8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 5 West Virginia Mountaineers: A
rifle is usefully, but less so against a bear, especially one that is part
cat. The cat part is too fast to draw a
bead on, and the bear part is too hungry not to eat a mountaineer. Cincinnati makes the elite 8.
11 Texas Longhorns vs 2 Kentucky Jayhawks: Can’t see a way for a Jay or a Hawk to kill a
longhorn, but can’t see a way for a Longhorn to kill a hawk. Can’t call it a draw either. The hawk must be able to blind the longhorn
until it wanders into the desert and dies of thirst. That is the only possible outcome. Kansas moves on.
8 NC State Wolfpack vs 5 Norther Iowa Panthers: Really tough to kill a pack of wolves. Not so much a single panther. Superior numbers still carry the day as NC
state wins.
3 Oklahoma Sooners vs 7 Michigan State Spartans: Unarmed
land grabbing thieves get speared by the heavily armored Spartan hoplite. No contest, Michigan State is in the Elite 8.
1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 5 Arkansas Razorbacks: The fearsome razorback finally meets an
opponent fiercer and more violent. Its
long tusks cannot find penetration in the thick skin of the badger, and badger
is low slung enough to claw at the tasty pork belly from beneath. The badger eats well tonight. Wisconsin wins.
3 Baylor Bears vs 15 Texas Southern Tigers: Tigers are pretty much the best the cat world
has to offer. But a bear is still likely
twice the size of the tiger. This is not
a sun bear or a lazy panda. This is a
North America Brown Bear. One of the
biggest and baddest of them all. It
isn’t easy, but the bear will win this with brute strength, but leave his
opponent un-devoured out of respect.
Baylor is in the Elite 8.
1 Duke Blue Devils vs 5 Utah Utes: Again with the spiritually compromised. The Utes would not risk fighting a battle
with a devil, thus the Blue Devil Reigns supreme and Duke moves on.
3 Iowa State Cyclones vs 15 ND State Bison: If a bear can’t survive a tornado, there
isn’t much hope for a bison. Iowa State
wins.
Elite 8
8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 2 Kansas Jayhawks: Cats eat birds. Bearcats eat bigger birds. Its science. Cincinnati is in the Final 4.
8 NC State Wolfpack vs 7 Michigan State Spartans: Sated from
devouring three large cats already, the Wolfpack has grown sluggish and falls
prey to the advanced weaponry of the Spartan.
Fur coats this winter. Michigan
State moves on.
1 Wisconsin Badgers vs 3 Baylor Bears: A bear is tough, but a badger is
tougher. A messy ordeal, but the
ruthless littler fucker won’t ever give in.
Claws and fur fly, but in the end, the Bear is just too damn big for the
badger. Baylor wins.
1 Duke Blue Devils vs 3 Iowa State Cyclones: The Blue Devil is completely unaffected by
natural forces, eventually the cyclone peters out and the Blue Devil claims
victory. Onto the Final 4 for Duke.
Final Four
8 Cincinnati Bearcats vs 3 Baylor Bears: Up until now,
having the attributes of both bear and cat have served Cincinnati well,
however, being a hybrid, it is not as large as a normally full grown bear, but
statistics indicate, it is about ¼ smaller – this is known. In this battle, it is strength against
strength, the cat like agility doesn’t matter.
The larger, full grown bear rids the world of what he considers an
ungodly abomination. Baylor is playing
for the ‘ship.
7 Michigan State Spartans vs 1 Duke Blue Devils: Also ones to worship the Gods and fear the
Devils – the Spartans superior training has no value in this battle and the
Blue Devils vanquish the mighty Spartans as it hesitates to bear arms against a
spirit.
The ‘Ship
3 Baylor Bears vs 1 Duke Blue Devils: The bear is raw strength and instinct, but
simple minded enough that the Blue Devil can take possession of its mind and
convinces it that there are raw salmon eggs in Ted Nugent’s refrigerator. Duke wins it all.
